[ dumb question, how can ignis be ok? he must be hurting like noct is, too. and noctis feels bad that he hadn't factored in dave and john yet -- too caught up in dex and his loss. ]
im sorry this is such a stupid town with its stupid rules
[He wonders, idly, if that's really a question for his sake, or if it's a misdirection of one of Noct's own desires. Surely Noct doesn't want to be alone at a time like this, either —
And yet, even as the thought crosses his mind, he stops and considers how Noct had lost everything in the fall of Insomnia, and how naturally and rightfully so his grief had taken the forefront of their concerns, and how there'd been no room and no time to stop and acknowledge that his uncle is gone, or how Regis had in some ways been like a father to him, too.]
No, I don't.
[A hard admission for him, perhaps, on any other night but tonight.]
[ Noctis is just realising it now, on his own. In the wake of so much loss he had forgotten that the people closest to him endure loss of their own, as well. And this? This is his way of reaching out, of trying, in his own clumsy way, to tell them that he's here and that maybe the burden of grief can be shared together, with neither taking the forefront.
It's hard, but Noctis is trying. Ignis must be grieving, too -- he must be sad, too. And Noctis has to help, however he can. ]
Okay.
[ Noctis is climbing up minutes later, looking around for him. ]
[It's not as though it's a very big roof, after all, but in the shadows it can be hard to navigate and Ignis has a tendency of naturally gravitating to places of concealment anyway, the better to watch and observe without being noticed. But he's over by where he'd been playing the violin back when the town had split them all up, sitting and already watching the skies overhead.]
But Noctis is deft and quick and more graceful that people ever give him credit for, and before long he's right there in the shadows with him, sitting beside him and offering him a spam sandwich. ]
Checking on me, cooking for me...have we perhaps switched roles, then, Noct? Are you my retainer tonight?
[He's openly teasing, and it shows in the lightness and warmth of his remark, as he takes the sandwich from Noctis and draws him a little closer with an arm around his shoulders.]
[ That comment gets Noctis to crack a smile, the first one he's had in hours, and he instinctively comes to tuck himself close to him. Noctis isn't usually the most tactile person, but right now he doesn't care. He's seeking comfort, and wrapping an arm around Ignis' waist.
Yeah, it's totally normal. ]
I could be. Or a trusted, loyal confidant.
[ ...Or, more accurately, something way, way more than that. ]
You already are all of those things, retainer or not.
[For as far as Ignis allows anyone to be his confidant, at least. Sometimes that's not far at all, but usually when it comes to matters of raw emotion, Noct stands the best chance at getting them out of him — unless, of course, they concern Noct in the first place.]
I feel...strange, mourning them. As though people other than me have far more right to that sadness than I do.
[ Noctis is tangentially aware that he is that to Ignis -- the man tends to keep plenty of things to himself unless Noctis pries, and even in some aspects he's not all that successful.
Still, today seems to be one of those days that he is, so he will take it. He's quiet for a moment, considering. ]
I suppose because my role has always been one of supporter, not of supported. Taking time to mourn, when it feels as though I ought to be consoling others...seems selfish, somehow.
[He tugs Noct a little closer, and the hold he has on him changes slightly, shifting in nature from something steady and protective to something that almost feels a bit like clinging.]
Even something like this. You came up because you're worried about me, when it feels as though I'm the one who should be taking care of you.
Oh, is that how he really feels? Noctis is absorbing that comment -- funny how a little insight makes you understand another better. He senses the change in the hold and instead of pulling away, simply leans into it.
Let him, then. He wants Ignis to be able to do this for his own sake. How often had Noctis been wrapped up in his own shit and neglected Ignis? He reddens, shaking his head. ]
I don't need taking care of.
[ He tells him almost grumpily, but the kindness in his eyes softens his words. This has to be Ignis' time, not his, and this man has never been just his caretaker. ]
You've done so much for us. So just... be less like the usual you tonight.
[ Because Noctis is here for him, his grip around his waist protective, warm. ]
Be less like me. I wonder who I should be instead, then? I never was very good at impressions.
[He's teasing, of course, and when Noct leans into him, he leans right back, bringing his head to rest lightly atop Noct's as they sit together, arm in arm.]
I...
[He goes silent, staring up at the stars, and when he speaks again his voice isn't just softer; it's weaker, too.]
Sometimes it's almost...it doesn't feel as though they're really gone, does it? You know they are, but it still feels as if...
[He sucks in a shaky breath.]
As if when we go downstairs, he'll be there. As if when I go to the garden next, he'll be there. As if...when we go home...they'll all still be there.
[ There. Better. Noctis is listening to him when Ignis pours out his heart, when they sit together and the tease eases away to something even more genuine and heartbreaking. This is the first time in a long while, too, that Ignis is something other than placid and composed. The weakness in his voice reflects his humanity, the sadness that plagues him like a ghost, haunting them all with hope, however misplaced, that they'll go back down and Dex will be there, playing with Leliel. Or John and Dave would come around maybe and Ignis will smile because Ignis found friends of his own, too.
He swallows the lump in his throat. It's hard for Ignis, he supposes, to have friends too, outside of them. So much of his waking hours have been devoted to the Crown, to Noctis -- he must not have all that much of a social life for himself. This town changed that. This town slowed them down, showed them the friends they could have, the life they could lead. The bonds they could make, too, outside of themselves.
And now two of Ignis' friends are gone. He's quiet, knowing that Ignis needs to get this out, needs to tell someone, needs to feel his feelings. ]
Yeah.
[ He says softly. ] You have more than enough right to mourn, Iggy. They're your friends.
[It's the word of a friend, not permission from his king, and yet there's still something oddly liberating about Noct's words. There's a part of him that wants to protest, even so, but he silences it as gently as he can and lays it carefully to rest, digging down deep inside himself after the feelings he's been bottling up for so long, and seeking to let his current grief act as a crowbar to help pry those older ones free.]
It doesn't feel as though Insomnia is really gone, either.
[He blinks again and again, still with his face upturned, still carefully watching the night sky even when his vision goes a little blurry.]
It feels as though it should still be there. Like we've only just...gone away for a while, but it's waiting for us to come back to. Like Uncle is still there. Clarus. Your father.
[And someday Noct will go back there, too. He'll climb the throne, and take up his father's sword, and die for all of them.]
I don't want to —
[He stops short, choking on the word, shaking his head like that might stand some chance of dislodging it from his throat.]
— to see Prompto go through what's waiting for him back there. I don't want to lose my eyes. I don't want to lose —
[You.]
...everything.
[He breathes in again, erratic and thin.]
Things like this happen, and it makes me realize how powerless I am to fix any of them.
[ The nature of grief is such that it's all-encompassing. When one grieves for a friend, it's inevitable that everything else buried deep inside comes to the surface as well. Noctis is silent in the face of Ignis' pain, commiserating, understanding even if he doesn't get the full picture, unaware of his own fate.
He knows how the loss of Insomnia tears at all of them. Lucis, fallen -- Regis was like a surrogate father to Ignis, too, and they've all lost loved ones when the kingdom crumbled. And so he watches him, watches that sharp, angular profile as Ignis tilts his head to the lightless sky with only stars. He sees tears pooling in the vivid green of his eyes even if Ignis probably wants to pretend otherwise, and Noctis reaches for his hand with his free one, finds it, threads his fingers with his.
He feels his own eyes burning, prickling behind eyelids as he thinks of them all, wonders if they would be waiting for them once again, like nothing's happened. His heart is heavy, and he thinks of the truths he'd laid at Dex's feet a lifetime ago, having allowed himself to quietly grieve as he wept for all the lost lives, the pain and heartbreak.
And then there's Ignis.
I don't want to lose my eyes.
The thought of that, of Ignis losing sight and Prompto getting hurt pierces deeper than anything ever has. Ignis would lose his eyes for Noctis' sake, and Noctis squeezes, determined. Ignis needs him now, he can't just break down, he can't. Ignis is afraid, and Noctis will be brave for him. ]
I won't let that happen to you.
[ He says firmly, letting go of his hand only to reach out to grasp his chin, making Ignis look at him. ]
I won't let you lose your eyes, or anything else. I won't let Prompto get hurt. No more.
[Just like that, Noct reaches for his chin, and his gaze is tipped away from the stars overhead, back down to earth where Noct's night-sky eyes are waiting for him. He should memorize how Noct's eyes look, he thinks, not for the first time and not for the last. He should remember them, because there might come a day when he'll never see them again, and Noct's eyes are one of the things that he knows it will hurt worst to lose.
But it's as he's looking at him, as he's hearing Noct's promises and knowing deep down that they're ones his prince, his king won't be able to keep, he remembers the conversation he'd had with Prompto early on, about the future and about choices and about secrets.
Ignis knows that there are some secrets that need to be kept, for Noct's own good, even knowing full well how badly that stings him. Even knowing full well how bitterly he'd taken it, when his father and Cor had done the same thing.
Ignis knows that he can't tell Noctis what's going to happen to him, if he complies with the will of the Astrals.]
Noct...
[Noctis told him not to be Ignis tonight.]
I'm going to lose more than my eyes. And I don't know if even you can prevent it.
[ How does Ignis know that? Is Ignis going to die? There's a cold fist that clenches over his heart, squeezing the breath out of him. Ignis looks so... sad, so awful and heartbroken and younger than he's ever seen him. Sometimes Noctis forgets that Ignis is only two years older than he is, that maybe Ignis also doesn't have much more knowledge of the world than Noctis does. ]
Are you going to --
[ Like Luna? Like the people who have gone too quickly? He can't finish that sentence because every part of him fiercely rejects that idea. He can't imagine it, he doesn't want to. This is Ignis, he's known him all his life and he's one of the strongest people he's ever known. That there is something that Noctis can't prevent and hearing him say it makes bitterness rise in his mouth.
No, for his sake, he will -- ]
You don't know that. You can't know that -- future's not set in stone. Whatever you dreamed or whatever people told you -- no.
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backdated a few days ago.
dex got killed.
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Are you all right?
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or what's left of him
[ he pauses ]
aren't dave and john your friends
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[ dumb question, how can ignis be ok? he must be hurting like noct is, too. and noctis feels bad that he hadn't factored in dave and john yet -- too caught up in dex and his loss. ]
im sorry
this is such a stupid town with its stupid rules
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I'm coping. Sometimes that's all one can do, in a situation like this.
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You're worried about me. Is that right?
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yes, yes he really is ]
what kind of question is that
[ and honestly, noctis could've just as easily lost ignis, or prompto. he can't shake that off. ]
do you want to be on your own tonight
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And yet, even as the thought crosses his mind, he stops and considers how Noct had lost everything in the fall of Insomnia, and how naturally and rightfully so his grief had taken the forefront of their concerns, and how there'd been no room and no time to stop and acknowledge that his uncle is gone, or how Regis had in some ways been like a father to him, too.]
No, I don't.
[A hard admission for him, perhaps, on any other night but tonight.]
Let's go up on the roof.
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It's hard, but Noctis is trying. Ignis must be grieving, too -- he must be sad, too. And Noctis has to help, however he can. ]
Okay.
[ Noctis is climbing up minutes later, looking around for him. ]
Iggy.
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[It's not as though it's a very big roof, after all, but in the shadows it can be hard to navigate and Ignis has a tendency of naturally gravitating to places of concealment anyway, the better to watch and observe without being noticed. But he's over by where he'd been playing the violin back when the town had split them all up, sitting and already watching the skies overhead.]
Mind your step.
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But Noctis is deft and quick and more graceful that people ever give him credit for, and before long he's right there in the shadows with him, sitting beside him and offering him a spam sandwich. ]
Here. I made it. Figured you haven't eaten yet.
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Checking on me, cooking for me...have we perhaps switched roles, then, Noct? Are you my retainer tonight?
[He's openly teasing, and it shows in the lightness and warmth of his remark, as he takes the sandwich from Noctis and draws him a little closer with an arm around his shoulders.]
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Yeah, it's totally normal. ]
I could be. Or a trusted, loyal confidant.
[ ...Or, more accurately, something way, way more than that. ]
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[For as far as Ignis allows anyone to be his confidant, at least. Sometimes that's not far at all, but usually when it comes to matters of raw emotion, Noct stands the best chance at getting them out of him — unless, of course, they concern Noct in the first place.]
I feel...strange, mourning them. As though people other than me have far more right to that sadness than I do.
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Still, today seems to be one of those days that he is, so he will take it. He's quiet for a moment, considering. ]
Why's that?
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[He tugs Noct a little closer, and the hold he has on him changes slightly, shifting in nature from something steady and protective to something that almost feels a bit like clinging.]
Even something like this. You came up because you're worried about me, when it feels as though I'm the one who should be taking care of you.
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Oh, is that how he really feels? Noctis is absorbing that comment -- funny how a little insight makes you understand another better. He senses the change in the hold and instead of pulling away, simply leans into it.
Let him, then. He wants Ignis to be able to do this for his own sake. How often had Noctis been wrapped up in his own shit and neglected Ignis? He reddens, shaking his head. ]
I don't need taking care of.
[ He tells him almost grumpily, but the kindness in his eyes softens his words. This has to be Ignis' time, not his, and this man has never been just his caretaker. ]
You've done so much for us. So just... be less like the usual you tonight.
[ Because Noctis is here for him, his grip around his waist protective, warm. ]
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[He's teasing, of course, and when Noct leans into him, he leans right back, bringing his head to rest lightly atop Noct's as they sit together, arm in arm.]
I...
[He goes silent, staring up at the stars, and when he speaks again his voice isn't just softer; it's weaker, too.]
Sometimes it's almost...it doesn't feel as though they're really gone, does it? You know they are, but it still feels as if...
[He sucks in a shaky breath.]
As if when we go downstairs, he'll be there. As if when I go to the garden next, he'll be there. As if...when we go home...they'll all still be there.
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He swallows the lump in his throat. It's hard for Ignis, he supposes, to have friends too, outside of them. So much of his waking hours have been devoted to the Crown, to Noctis -- he must not have all that much of a social life for himself. This town changed that. This town slowed them down, showed them the friends they could have, the life they could lead. The bonds they could make, too, outside of themselves.
And now two of Ignis' friends are gone. He's quiet, knowing that Ignis needs to get this out, needs to tell someone, needs to feel his feelings. ]
Yeah.
[ He says softly. ] You have more than enough right to mourn, Iggy. They're your friends.
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It doesn't feel as though Insomnia is really gone, either.
[He blinks again and again, still with his face upturned, still carefully watching the night sky even when his vision goes a little blurry.]
It feels as though it should still be there. Like we've only just...gone away for a while, but it's waiting for us to come back to. Like Uncle is still there. Clarus. Your father.
[And someday Noct will go back there, too. He'll climb the throne, and take up his father's sword, and die for all of them.]
I don't want to —
[He stops short, choking on the word, shaking his head like that might stand some chance of dislodging it from his throat.]
— to see Prompto go through what's waiting for him back there. I don't want to lose my eyes. I don't want to lose —
[You.]
...everything.
[He breathes in again, erratic and thin.]
Things like this happen, and it makes me realize how powerless I am to fix any of them.
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He knows how the loss of Insomnia tears at all of them. Lucis, fallen -- Regis was like a surrogate father to Ignis, too, and they've all lost loved ones when the kingdom crumbled. And so he watches him, watches that sharp, angular profile as Ignis tilts his head to the lightless sky with only stars. He sees tears pooling in the vivid green of his eyes even if Ignis probably wants to pretend otherwise, and Noctis reaches for his hand with his free one, finds it, threads his fingers with his.
He feels his own eyes burning, prickling behind eyelids as he thinks of them all, wonders if they would be waiting for them once again, like nothing's happened. His heart is heavy, and he thinks of the truths he'd laid at Dex's feet a lifetime ago, having allowed himself to quietly grieve as he wept for all the lost lives, the pain and heartbreak.
And then there's Ignis.
I don't want to lose my eyes.
The thought of that, of Ignis losing sight and Prompto getting hurt pierces deeper than anything ever has. Ignis would lose his eyes for Noctis' sake, and Noctis squeezes, determined. Ignis needs him now, he can't just break down, he can't. Ignis is afraid, and Noctis will be brave for him. ]
I won't let that happen to you.
[ He says firmly, letting go of his hand only to reach out to grasp his chin, making Ignis look at him. ]
I won't let you lose your eyes, or anything else. I won't let Prompto get hurt. No more.
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But it's as he's looking at him, as he's hearing Noct's promises and knowing deep down that they're ones his prince, his king won't be able to keep, he remembers the conversation he'd had with Prompto early on, about the future and about choices and about secrets.
Ignis knows that there are some secrets that need to be kept, for Noct's own good, even knowing full well how badly that stings him. Even knowing full well how bitterly he'd taken it, when his father and Cor had done the same thing.
Ignis knows that he can't tell Noctis what's going to happen to him, if he complies with the will of the Astrals.]
Noct...
[Noctis told him not to be Ignis tonight.]
I'm going to lose more than my eyes. And I don't know if even you can prevent it.
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[ How does Ignis know that? Is Ignis going to die? There's a cold fist that clenches over his heart, squeezing the breath out of him. Ignis looks so... sad, so awful and heartbroken and younger than he's ever seen him. Sometimes Noctis forgets that Ignis is only two years older than he is, that maybe Ignis also doesn't have much more knowledge of the world than Noctis does. ]
Are you going to --
[ Like Luna? Like the people who have gone too quickly? He can't finish that sentence because every part of him fiercely rejects that idea. He can't imagine it, he doesn't want to. This is Ignis, he's known him all his life and he's one of the strongest people he's ever known. That there is something that Noctis can't prevent and hearing him say it makes bitterness rise in his mouth.
No, for his sake, he will -- ]
You don't know that. You can't know that -- future's not set in stone. Whatever you dreamed or whatever people told you -- no.
[ Ignis can't be gone from him. ]
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