[ How does Ignis know that? Is Ignis going to die? There's a cold fist that clenches over his heart, squeezing the breath out of him. Ignis looks so... sad, so awful and heartbroken and younger than he's ever seen him. Sometimes Noctis forgets that Ignis is only two years older than he is, that maybe Ignis also doesn't have much more knowledge of the world than Noctis does. ]
Are you going to --
[ Like Luna? Like the people who have gone too quickly? He can't finish that sentence because every part of him fiercely rejects that idea. He can't imagine it, he doesn't want to. This is Ignis, he's known him all his life and he's one of the strongest people he's ever known. That there is something that Noctis can't prevent and hearing him say it makes bitterness rise in his mouth.
No, for his sake, he will -- ]
You don't know that. You can't know that -- future's not set in stone. Whatever you dreamed or whatever people told you -- no.
[The worst part is, he knows full well what the future holds for Noctis. Not the particulars; no, he doesn't know that. He doesn't have the how or the when, and only has scraps of the where. But his vision couldn't have been clearer when it comes to what will be expected of Noct, and what's bitterest of all is the recognition that the only person who might stand a chance of stopping it truly is Noct himself, and he wouldn't be Noctis at all if he did.]
But I know you.
[Better than anyone, he knows Noct. Better than anyone else he knows, better than anyone else in the world who knows Noct too.
He tugs away from Noct's hand, looking up at the sky again, and this time makes himself deliberately search out the constellations they'd once chosen for themselves up there. The anak, the archer. The violinist. The sleeping pianist.
You're never too heavy for me to carry you, he'd assured him once. But in the future that's coming, he won't be able to. Not when it's Noct shouldering the burden of the whole world instead.
He draws a shaky breath.]
And I know that when you're the one asked to die, for the sake of the world...that's a future that may as well be set in stone. Because I know you. I know you won't refuse.
[ Noctis doesn't get it, not for a long, long moment. He's baffled, lost and struggling to make sense of what he's saying, how he's saying it as he pulls away from him and looks up and all Noctis can do is stare at that handsome profile, rendered near unreachable in his grief.
He watches him look at the stars like he can glean comfort from them -- and maybe he does, like Noctis. Maybe he looks up at them too and thinks the same things Noctis does, maybe they give him the same consolation that there's something much bigger beyond just this place. Ignis is grieving for more than just John, Dave, Dex, Insomnia, and Noctis can only listen to him pour out his pain, be with him as he peels those layers away.
Ignis is saying things, things like Noctis dying for the sake of the world or something, that he won't say no and he doesn't say 'if', like he knows it's coming and Noctis feels something cold and dreadful curl in the pit of his stomach, something like dismay and heartache and fear and sadness too deep to comprehend, just barely--
-- but surely he doesn't mean what Noctis thinks he means. ]
Iggy... what are you saying?
[ Surely, he must be mistaken. That's an 'if, right? ]
[All of a sudden, then, just having his arm around Noctis somehow isn't enough. All of a sudden it's not enough to just be side by side. All of a sudden it's not enough to feel the familiar warmth and presence of his oldest friend at his side, when his arms are aching from how hollow they feel, and the agony of the secrets he's carrying is crushing the words he wants to say before they can ever come close to leaving his mouth.
So he turns, pivots really, and when his arms come around Noct it's really not so different from all the nights when they've stayed together and he's held him like he's trying to protect him from anything that might seek to take him way, one hand cradling the back of his head and the other wrapped tight around his back.
It's easier when he doesn't have to look at him. It's worse, that he's not looking at him.]
Lunafreya's dog. The white one, Umbra's partner. The Astrals...sent me a vision, through her, of what's to be expected of the Chosen King.
[Chosen. Yes, he's been chosen, all right — chosen like a lamb for the slaughter, a blameless bleating sacrifice.]
I don't know if you remember. The furniture, when it accused me — it condemned me for blasphemy. And...it wasn't wrong.
[He ducks his head, burying his face in Noct's shoulder, and holds on all the tighter.]
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of how I won't let them have you.
[ Noctis is reeling from his relevation, stunned by what he's hearing -- so Ignis has somehow known this all along, and Pryna had told him. He finds himself stunned and swept up in Ignis' arms, held close like he's in danger of slipping from him at any moment, but he isn't registering it, not quite. Or perhaps just a little. He's overwhelmed by what Ignis tells him as his hands numbly come to rest over his back, unable to think.
He's going to die. Ignis had seen it, and he had carried that secret for so long. Noctis is going to die somehow, way sooner than he thought and wanted, because underneath the Chosen King is only a young man with his life ahead of him, or what's left of it, and even that will be asked of him, and he doesn't know what to think.
He's going to die.
So that's what Chosen means, why his father would sacrifice so much to send him away in case he got caught in the crossfire. Noctis isn't entirely sure of the details, and he's not sure he's looking for it right now because the shock of it leaves him speechless. But oh, he does want to live, to make the world better, to be with his friends, to hold Ignis like this...
His grip tightens around him and Noctis buries his head in his shoulder now, desperate and searching for comfort, hoping that he's wrong. ]
Ignis...
[ He manages, rattled as he looks up at him, haunted and numb, vulnerable and lost. He's going to die, but he's only twenty. And Ignis, oh, bearing the impossible weight of wanting to save him, and for a moment Noctis wishes he would even if he knows what his final answer will one day be. But Six, he's barely lived and now he's going to die. ] Yeah, I remember. I -- don't...
[And there's savagery in his tone, then, finally jarred loose after keeping it under wraps all this time — the burden he's been condemned to shoulder alone. It's coming loose at last, all of his anger and his bitterness at the unfairness of it all, the raw anguish and the reluctance and the defiance, and threaded through it all is the deep heartfelt possessiveness he's kept since they were just children, since Noct's father who was almost his father, too, said please take care of my son.]
— They can't have you.
[You're mine! is something he's been heard to say on the battlefield, when he sights a target and marks it for certain death. He doesn't say it now, but if he did the phrase would be softer, more velvet, yet promising precisely as much retribution on anything that might dare to challenge it.]
I don't care what I have to do...what it demands of me. But I won't let them take you away from me.
[He's pretty sure he meant to stop that sentence with take you away, but then those last two words just sort of...slipped out, and changed everything.]
[ Even Noctis is surprised by the vehemence and savagery in his words, as if he could move destiny by force of will alone. Noctis finds that he wants him to -- guiltily, painfully, he wants to believe it. But Pryna has always been prescient, a messenger of the gods, and they both know better than anyone else that it will come to pass, and only Noctis will still Ignis. One day, when it comes, Noctis doesn't know if he'll be ready.
He's not ready for it now, the shock of it a jarring, painful thing that he's not sure he would've wanted to know. But Ignis, oh, Ignis, he sounds wounded, angry, and Noctis feels something strange twist and wind and flutter when he hears the last of it. I won't let them take you away from me. From him, like Noctis has always belonged to him in some way or another, and isn't it true? Ignis belongs to Noctis from the first day they'd met. They'd grown up together, played together, learned and fought and grieved, and the echoes of possessiveness are not new.
Ignis is his advisor, his cook, his longest friend -- when he had nobody, he had Ignis.
He looks up at him now, words caught in his throat at the fervor of promise, and he doesn't know what to say aside from a soft, quiet -- ]
I don't want to die.
[ He will face it one day, walk tall towards his destiny and leave his friends behind. One day, he'll bring back the dawn for everyone, and especially for those he loves, but today he's a twenty-year old faced with a terrible, awful truth. A last, strained burst of optimism because all of this is heavy, too heavy.
But he has to try anyway, he has to be strong because Ignis is going to unravel. He grasps the back of his neck, fingers curling tight. ]
But hey, look at me -- [ He's pressing his forehead to his and steals Ignis' gaze from the stars above; there is little comfort to be found in them tonight. Noctis says something he hopes to one day fully believe. ] 'm not going anywhere, so don't do anything stupid, okay? You're the smartest one outta all of us.
[For most, the phrase your word is my command is humorous at best, a cliche at worst. But right now, in this moment, Noct's word truly might as well be a command, because with five words Ignis rekindles his own personal vow against the Astrals, his mission to do whatever it takes to preserve the young man in his arms —
Because Noct doesn't want to die, and that's enough.
Noct doesn't want to die, and therefore he won't.
They're pressed together, forehead to forehead, Noct's hand curling at the back of his neck, and his glasses are getting jammed just a little from it but he doesn't care, because to adjust them would mean letting go and he's not going to do that, not ever.]
Noct...
[He closes his eyes, fingers tightening where he's holding him.]
Just once, I wish you would show as much care for yourself as I feel for you.
[But then he falls quiet, and what flits across his lips is a smile, probably, regardless of how much it's trembling.]
But...I suppose you wouldn't be my Noct if you ever did, would you.
[ Noctis says softly, shifting so that at least his glasses aren't weirdly sandwiched up. Up close, Noctis can see just how gorgeous his eyes are, what a vivid, striking shade of green, so very emotive, vulnerable and open. He can see it, the tremor in his smile because even now Ignis is trying to be brave for him too, despite the weight on his shoulders and his grief. Noctis doesn't walk alone -- there's Prompto, Gladio, and then there's Ignis, who is hurting and struggling and Noctis isn't quite sure how to make things better.
But then it occurs to him, just what Ignis said -- and Noctis blinks, feeling a little strange flutter -- so much like what he's been feeling ever since... well, the first time the stars came out. ]
Your Noct, huh?
[ He's never said that before and Noctis has never pushed, and with the weight of new knowledge on him he can't help but be chagrined. He doesn't know how to deal with it, with any of it, but all he knows is that this moment is infinitely comforting, to have Ignis by his side means he's not alone. Does Prompto know, he wonders? Does he know Noctis is going to die? It would make him sad. ]
[On its face, it's a touch of humor in an otherwise wry and awful situation, but deep down he's gauging for Noct's reaction, fighting off the urge to withdraw just a little from the uncertainty of how that's going to come across. He'd not meant much by it; it'd just been an offhand remark, born of Noct's permission to be someone who doesn't care so much about each and every precise word right now. But this is why he likes precision — because it avoids mistakes, and awkwardness, at least in theory.]
You wouldn't be you if you ever put yourself before others, either.
[ Noctis admits after a moment. My Noct, like My Ignis, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world to say. He's so close, so close now to him and it's difficult not to realise what this could possibly be, what he wants to happen -- even if it'll be ill-advised and ill-thought out and probably entirely unplanned. ] I guess I really am your Noct.
[ Oldest, longest companion -- Ignis is loved, and deeply, even if Noctis is so often such a brat about everything that it's a marvel Ignis is still sticking with him. He's tentative, eyes lidding briefly. ] Kinda makes it fairer.
[He echoes, drawing back slowly, and yet it's not a withdrawal; it's simply a means of getting a better look at Noctis, still close but without being too far in to appreciate him properly.]
[ Noctis reddens, looking away. Despite the gravity of the situation and the shit Noctis is still struggling to deal with, this question keeps him tongue-tied.
Isn't it obvious? Ignis belongs to him, too. That's his Ignis, right here with him. ]
[It's right about then that something — not clicks, because clicks would imply that it was something Ignis wasn't aware of before that suddenly snapped into clarity, and that's not the case here. He's been aware, because he'd have to be blind not to see —
Oh, bloody hell.
— because he'd have to be a fool to be ignorant of the fact that the things they do together like it's a matter of course aren't things that are supposed to be casual, between people. He's just been so very good at making excuses for it, thinly-veiled or not, and then never probing at them hard enough to allow that tissue-thin veil to tear away.
Of course he pulls Noct into his arms at night. It's to protect him, it's only natural.
Of course he'll never leave his side. He swore an oath to do that, it's only a matter of keeping his word.
Of course he spoils him, just for the sake of giving him something to be happy about. It's old habit from when they were children, and didn't know any better.
Of course he could get lost in Noct's eyes. He's only trying to memorize them, because someday he'll never see them again.
But this time Noct is blushing, and Ignis doesn't surrender to the impulse to justify and set aside the way it makes him feel to see it. Noct is blushing, period, full stop.
It doesn't take a master strategist to suss out why.]
Well, if you enjoy it so much, then I ought to do it again.
[Who gives a bloody damn, he thinks in a moment of hot defiance, and the truth of the matter is that he does, he gives a bloody damn, because his charge hasn't ended just because Insomnia is gone and Lunafreya has slipped away and there's nothing left of any of the original promises that would've made Noct's heart not his own, but if he thinks too hard about that he's going to start justifying again and right now he's only feeling, however reckless and terrifying it might be.]
[ Except this has absolutely nothing to do with Noctis being Ignis' charge and everything about Noctis acknowledging being his and vice versa, even if he can't bring himself to say that out loud of of profound embarrassment.
Of course Ignis has always been his -- Ignis has been there for him at the near-beginning, his playmate, companion, confidant, close friend, and now, now it's evolved to something undefinable, something deeper than he's ever felt for anyone before.
Ignis says it again, and something flickers in him, recognition and something else, a too-quick beat of his pulse, a sharp desire for more. For --
-- Six, he must be going crazy. This whole thing is so much, too much, but Noctis recklessly finds that he doesn't care. He's going to die, he's going to die and he's not sure if there's anything he can do about it, and here he is, thinking about stupid dumb things while time ticks away...
Noctis doesn't think. Ignis says My Noct and Noctis moves, heart in his throat and terrified and fierce, sealing the tiniest distance and the greatest gulf to tentatively, shyly press his lips to his.
It's soft and quick and fleeting, because in the pit of his stomach Noctis has always known, too, and he pulls away, uncertain. Maybe he's miscalculated. Maybe he's got it all wrong. Suddenly he doesn't want to stick around to find out, and Noctis is already quickly scrambling to his feet, ears burning. ]
Okay, uh. It's been a long day. And a very long night. I don't -- I gotta go.
[He knows, fundamentally, that even his own request won't be able to keep Noct in place forever. He's had years to learn Noct's particular nuances, and he's well aware that after something like this, revelations like these and an act of infinite courage like that, that Noct's impulse will be to go off and brood and sort himself out on his own. More likely than not the morning will find him fishing, making productive use of his time while he replays this moment over and over again in his mind, dwelling on every nuance of it until he's exhausted himself from thinking about it.
But just because he'll do that eventually doesn't mean it needs to happen now, and so before Noct can get away entirely, Ignis leans and pushes himself up and catches hold of his hand, tethering him just enough that he'll have to break their connection if he wants to get away.]
Noctis is surprised when Ignis catches ahold of him and keeps him still -- he doesn't have the heart to pull away, no matter how his heart is racing, how he needs to be alone to sort himself out. Ignis is right in figuring out just what he'd do -- and he stops him anyway, for what?
It's Noctis' own curiosity and the warmth of Ignis' grip on his hand that doesn't make him pull away. He wonders if he should dream up his excuses now, tell him that he's not in his right mind -- and it's true, he probably isn't, he doesn't actually know. All he knows is that this could slip away from him. ]
[He gets up to his feet without letting go of Noct's hand, holding on to it like a lifeline as he carefully draws near and fits himself into Noct's space. He's taller, by a bit, and there's something about that fact that just feels right in this moment, even if their heights have no actual bearing on the connection between them or the powerplay of their respective roles.
He steps in close, and the hand that isn't holding Noct's comes up to cup the side of his face, stroking softly over his cheekbone as he gazes down into those velvet eyes.]
Don't leave without hearing my answer.
[Although "hearing" is a bit of a stretch, and more figurative than anything else, because his answer comes in the form of leaning down carefully to return Noct's kiss, just as soft but a little less shy — more steadying, more reassuring, no different than every other time that Noctis has been afraid in his life and Ignis has been strong and sure and there for him.]
[ Ignis has the softest lips known to mankind, probably. Plush but firm and so very nice -- more sure than Noctis had been. Not that Noctis has any to compare it too, considering this is his first time doing... anything, really.
He'd thought that he'd do it with Luna when the time came and they meet -- but this, this is different. This is inspiring; it sends tingles down his spine and makes his heart pound but at the same time slows down the world so that the only thing that matters is them both. ]
We can't.
[ It's a half-hearted protest at best. There's so much going on, their friends dead and Noctis is going to die and what the hell, fuck it, they don't have much time left, do they?
So Noctis is grabbing him by the collar and keeping him there, deepening the kiss with all passion and little finesse, begging to be taught, refined. It feels right -- it's the only thing in this place that feels right. ]
[Even in a moment like this, the urge to take care of Noct is still as strong and prevalent as ever; it's just that this time, taking care of him isn't about feeding him or protecting him or discouraging his bad habits. This time, taking care of him is as simple as trying to show him some small sliver of comfort in the midst of the awful truths he's laid down in the course of this conversation, and he does it by moving his hand from Noct's face to wrap his arm around his waist, holding him steady and preventing him from fleeing all in the same movement.
He's right to protest. He's right that they shouldn't do this. But the insistence doesn't match the way he grabs hold of Ignis's collar and redoubles his efforts immediately afterward, and for this one instance, Ignis chooses to take his cues from what Noct does, as opposed to what he says.]
I know.
[That's the sole acknowledgement he gives, paying lip service to the notion of being responsible even as he keeps his lips against Noct's, and if there's one modification that he does make to the way that Noct is carrying on, it's that he seeks to slow him down a little, walk his urgency back a bit, as if trying to reassure him that this moment is less fragile than it seems, and neither of them is going anywhere right now.]
[ No, neither of them are going anywhere -- Noctis feels it, the way Ignis' arm slides around his waist to keep him steady, and he swears his knees will buckle when Ignis kisses him back, the shock and pleasure of his mouth on his making his toes curl.
It's irresponsible and probably wrong; there's so much to sort through, not least of which to work out that what Ignis is feeling for him is really love -- that it isn't out of some sort of duty and obligation. Noctis would never dream of imposing himself on Ignis like that, but now he's hooked on him. Who knew that kissing someone would make butterflies erupt in his stomach?
He'd always thought that reports of that in Gladio's trashy romance novels are overhyped junk, but Six if he doesn't feel just that now, coaxed into calmer, less urgently desperate efforts. He parts his mouth for him then, quietly inviting, curious and warm. ]
[He feels Noct's lips part, and knows it's an invitation; that's all the more reason why he's careful not to pull away, even though he knows he needs to pause the kiss long enough to speak. He stays close instead, lets his mouth stay touching Noct's, and murmurs the words against his lips so that there can be no doubt that his aim here isn't born of reluctance or second-guessing.
And in a way, it's almost as though he's read Noct's mind, because it seems their thoughts and concerns are running in very similar directions.]
I need to hear you say you want this. Forget whether we should or shouldn't. Just...I need to have heard it. In your voice.
He should say no because Ignis is his retainer and advisor -- he should say no because he's more than just a friend and brother and this will muddy up the waters even further than it already has, because he's so much more and Noctis is afraid he's going to fuck things up by impulsively giving in to foremost needs.
But he needs him, beyond just being cared for. It's understanding and desire, it's the slow burn of want simmering unseen and consciously unexplored.
And Ignis, Ignis wants precision in all things and Noctis isn't sure he can give him that. He's overwhelmed by the depth of passion, the extent of devotion Ignis has shown, and he bites his own lip, blue eyes fixing on his.
Ignis must be a mess, too, isn't he? It's going to be so unfair if he isn't. ]
Yeah.
[ He says, against just about every rational caution when it comes to doing really stupid shit without thinking. ]
You?
[ Fuck it. He's 20 and the timetable for his demise just moved way the fuck up, even for him. How much worse can things get? ]
[That's rhetorical, honestly, which is mostly because he genuinely hopes Noct isn't altogether aware of how long he's wanted him, because if he is, then that means Ignis hasn't been hiding it nearly as well as he'd thought he was.
He lifts a hand, bringing it carefully up to rest against Noct's face, and traces the high curve of his cheek for a moment before shifting it back to rake through Noct's hair, following the side of his head around to the back in a way that almost resembles petting.]
I could've accepted never speaking a word of it. Just being at your side, seeing you happy...it would've been enough.
[Breathing in slowly, he brings their foreheads to touch.]
But I want to be the one who makes you happy, if you'll let me.
[He wants to be the one who gets to kiss him, too, and right now he is, so he does.]
[ How is Ignis actually more articulate than he is right now? It's grossly, blatantly unfair, especially when all Noctis can really do is follow the shape of his perfect cupid's bow of a mouth, the smooth tenor of his voice like kissing him isn't the top of his really messed up agenda. He's nuzzling against his hand, seeking out comfort, the warmth and presence of him as his heart skips a beat. ]
I don't -- what? Really?
[ Ok, he didn't actually know that. Belatedly, he looks up at him, taken by surprise. Ignis has wanted him all along? Because he's made a damn good show of hiding it, gone unnoticed for so long. ]
Even when I was a terrible to you?
[ Yes, that time, when all Noctis could do was pre-emptively grieve his father as he's dying before his eyes, his life given to the Crystal in exchange for the Wall to protect their people. There was little that's likeable about him then, when Noctis was struggling and angry and sad all the time. Their foreheads touch, and Noctis swallows hard, unable to look away.
Ignis has always wanted him, and Noctis, Noctis has never allowed himself to pursue what he had been feeling deep down inside, buried by obligation and duties and a determination to be an eventual good husband.
And now, Ignis says he wants to make him happy, and Noctis doesn't know what to say to that, choked up with unexpressed emotion. ]
Um. You're -- you don't need to do that. Just... be with me.
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[ How does Ignis know that? Is Ignis going to die? There's a cold fist that clenches over his heart, squeezing the breath out of him. Ignis looks so... sad, so awful and heartbroken and younger than he's ever seen him. Sometimes Noctis forgets that Ignis is only two years older than he is, that maybe Ignis also doesn't have much more knowledge of the world than Noctis does. ]
Are you going to --
[ Like Luna? Like the people who have gone too quickly? He can't finish that sentence because every part of him fiercely rejects that idea. He can't imagine it, he doesn't want to. This is Ignis, he's known him all his life and he's one of the strongest people he's ever known. That there is something that Noctis can't prevent and hearing him say it makes bitterness rise in his mouth.
No, for his sake, he will -- ]
You don't know that. You can't know that -- future's not set in stone. Whatever you dreamed or whatever people told you -- no.
[ Ignis can't be gone from him. ]
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But I know you.
[Better than anyone, he knows Noct. Better than anyone else he knows, better than anyone else in the world who knows Noct too.
He tugs away from Noct's hand, looking up at the sky again, and this time makes himself deliberately search out the constellations they'd once chosen for themselves up there. The anak, the archer. The violinist. The sleeping pianist.
You're never too heavy for me to carry you, he'd assured him once. But in the future that's coming, he won't be able to. Not when it's Noct shouldering the burden of the whole world instead.
He draws a shaky breath.]
And I know that when you're the one asked to die, for the sake of the world...that's a future that may as well be set in stone. Because I know you. I know you won't refuse.
[He's quiet.]
Even if I want you to.
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He watches him look at the stars like he can glean comfort from them -- and maybe he does, like Noctis. Maybe he looks up at them too and thinks the same things Noctis does, maybe they give him the same consolation that there's something much bigger beyond just this place. Ignis is grieving for more than just John, Dave, Dex, Insomnia, and Noctis can only listen to him pour out his pain, be with him as he peels those layers away.
Ignis is saying things, things like Noctis dying for the sake of the world or something, that he won't say no and he doesn't say 'if', like he knows it's coming and Noctis feels something cold and dreadful curl in the pit of his stomach, something like dismay and heartache and fear and sadness too deep to comprehend, just barely--
-- but surely he doesn't mean what Noctis thinks he means. ]
Iggy... what are you saying?
[ Surely, he must be mistaken. That's an 'if, right? ]
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So he turns, pivots really, and when his arms come around Noct it's really not so different from all the nights when they've stayed together and he's held him like he's trying to protect him from anything that might seek to take him way, one hand cradling the back of his head and the other wrapped tight around his back.
It's easier when he doesn't have to look at him. It's worse, that he's not looking at him.]
Lunafreya's dog. The white one, Umbra's partner. The Astrals...sent me a vision, through her, of what's to be expected of the Chosen King.
[Chosen. Yes, he's been chosen, all right — chosen like a lamb for the slaughter, a blameless bleating sacrifice.]
I don't know if you remember. The furniture, when it accused me — it condemned me for blasphemy. And...it wasn't wrong.
[He ducks his head, burying his face in Noct's shoulder, and holds on all the tighter.]
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of how I won't let them have you.
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He's going to die. Ignis had seen it, and he had carried that secret for so long. Noctis is going to die somehow, way sooner than he thought and wanted, because underneath the Chosen King is only a young man with his life ahead of him, or what's left of it, and even that will be asked of him, and he doesn't know what to think.
He's going to die.
So that's what Chosen means, why his father would sacrifice so much to send him away in case he got caught in the crossfire. Noctis isn't entirely sure of the details, and he's not sure he's looking for it right now because the shock of it leaves him speechless. But oh, he does want to live, to make the world better, to be with his friends, to hold Ignis like this...
His grip tightens around him and Noctis buries his head in his shoulder now, desperate and searching for comfort, hoping that he's wrong. ]
Ignis...
[ He manages, rattled as he looks up at him, haunted and numb, vulnerable and lost. He's going to die, but he's only twenty. And Ignis, oh, bearing the impossible weight of wanting to save him, and for a moment Noctis wishes he would even if he knows what his final answer will one day be. But Six, he's barely lived and now he's going to die. ] Yeah, I remember. I -- don't...
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[And there's savagery in his tone, then, finally jarred loose after keeping it under wraps all this time — the burden he's been condemned to shoulder alone. It's coming loose at last, all of his anger and his bitterness at the unfairness of it all, the raw anguish and the reluctance and the defiance, and threaded through it all is the deep heartfelt possessiveness he's kept since they were just children, since Noct's father who was almost his father, too, said please take care of my son.]
— They can't have you.
[You're mine! is something he's been heard to say on the battlefield, when he sights a target and marks it for certain death. He doesn't say it now, but if he did the phrase would be softer, more velvet, yet promising precisely as much retribution on anything that might dare to challenge it.]
I don't care what I have to do...what it demands of me. But I won't let them take you away from me.
[He's pretty sure he meant to stop that sentence with take you away, but then those last two words just sort of...slipped out, and changed everything.]
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He's not ready for it now, the shock of it a jarring, painful thing that he's not sure he would've wanted to know. But Ignis, oh, Ignis, he sounds wounded, angry, and Noctis feels something strange twist and wind and flutter when he hears the last of it. I won't let them take you away from me. From him, like Noctis has always belonged to him in some way or another, and isn't it true? Ignis belongs to Noctis from the first day they'd met. They'd grown up together, played together, learned and fought and grieved, and the echoes of possessiveness are not new.
Ignis is his advisor, his cook, his longest friend -- when he had nobody, he had Ignis.
He looks up at him now, words caught in his throat at the fervor of promise, and he doesn't know what to say aside from a soft, quiet -- ]
I don't want to die.
[ He will face it one day, walk tall towards his destiny and leave his friends behind. One day, he'll bring back the dawn for everyone, and especially for those he loves, but today he's a twenty-year old faced with a terrible, awful truth. A last, strained burst of optimism because all of this is heavy, too heavy.
But he has to try anyway, he has to be strong because Ignis is going to unravel. He grasps the back of his neck, fingers curling tight. ]
But hey, look at me -- [ He's pressing his forehead to his and steals Ignis' gaze from the stars above; there is little comfort to be found in them tonight. Noctis says something he hopes to one day fully believe. ] 'm not going anywhere, so don't do anything stupid, okay? You're the smartest one outta all of us.
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Because Noct doesn't want to die, and that's enough.
Noct doesn't want to die, and therefore he won't.
They're pressed together, forehead to forehead, Noct's hand curling at the back of his neck, and his glasses are getting jammed just a little from it but he doesn't care, because to adjust them would mean letting go and he's not going to do that, not ever.]
Noct...
[He closes his eyes, fingers tightening where he's holding him.]
Just once, I wish you would show as much care for yourself as I feel for you.
[But then he falls quiet, and what flits across his lips is a smile, probably, regardless of how much it's trembling.]
But...I suppose you wouldn't be my Noct if you ever did, would you.
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[ Noctis says softly, shifting so that at least his glasses aren't weirdly sandwiched up. Up close, Noctis can see just how gorgeous his eyes are, what a vivid, striking shade of green, so very emotive, vulnerable and open. He can see it, the tremor in his smile because even now Ignis is trying to be brave for him too, despite the weight on his shoulders and his grief. Noctis doesn't walk alone -- there's Prompto, Gladio, and then there's Ignis, who is hurting and struggling and Noctis isn't quite sure how to make things better.
But then it occurs to him, just what Ignis said -- and Noctis blinks, feeling a little strange flutter -- so much like what he's been feeling ever since... well, the first time the stars came out. ]
Your Noct, huh?
[ He's never said that before and Noctis has never pushed, and with the weight of new knowledge on him he can't help but be chagrined. He doesn't know how to deal with it, with any of it, but all he knows is that this moment is infinitely comforting, to have Ignis by his side means he's not alone. Does Prompto know, he wonders? Does he know Noctis is going to die? It would make him sad. ]
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[On its face, it's a touch of humor in an otherwise wry and awful situation, but deep down he's gauging for Noct's reaction, fighting off the urge to withdraw just a little from the uncertainty of how that's going to come across. He'd not meant much by it; it'd just been an offhand remark, born of Noct's permission to be someone who doesn't care so much about each and every precise word right now. But this is why he likes precision — because it avoids mistakes, and awkwardness, at least in theory.]
You wouldn't be you if you ever put yourself before others, either.
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[ Noctis admits after a moment. My Noct, like My Ignis, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world to say. He's so close, so close now to him and it's difficult not to realise what this could possibly be, what he wants to happen -- even if it'll be ill-advised and ill-thought out and probably entirely unplanned. ] I guess I really am your Noct.
[ Oldest, longest companion -- Ignis is loved, and deeply, even if Noctis is so often such a brat about everything that it's a marvel Ignis is still sticking with him. He's tentative, eyes lidding briefly. ] Kinda makes it fairer.
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[He echoes, drawing back slowly, and yet it's not a withdrawal; it's simply a means of getting a better look at Noctis, still close but without being too far in to appreciate him properly.]
How does that make it fairer, exactly?
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[ Noctis reddens, looking away. Despite the gravity of the situation and the shit Noctis is still struggling to deal with, this question keeps him tongue-tied.
Isn't it obvious? Ignis belongs to him, too. That's his Ignis, right here with him. ]
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Oh, bloody hell.
— because he'd have to be a fool to be ignorant of the fact that the things they do together like it's a matter of course aren't things that are supposed to be casual, between people. He's just been so very good at making excuses for it, thinly-veiled or not, and then never probing at them hard enough to allow that tissue-thin veil to tear away.
Of course he pulls Noct into his arms at night. It's to protect him, it's only natural.
Of course he'll never leave his side. He swore an oath to do that, it's only a matter of keeping his word.
Of course he spoils him, just for the sake of giving him something to be happy about. It's old habit from when they were children, and didn't know any better.
Of course he could get lost in Noct's eyes. He's only trying to memorize them, because someday he'll never see them again.
But this time Noct is blushing, and Ignis doesn't surrender to the impulse to justify and set aside the way it makes him feel to see it. Noct is blushing, period, full stop.
It doesn't take a master strategist to suss out why.]
Well, if you enjoy it so much, then I ought to do it again.
[Who gives a bloody damn, he thinks in a moment of hot defiance, and the truth of the matter is that he does, he gives a bloody damn, because his charge hasn't ended just because Insomnia is gone and Lunafreya has slipped away and there's nothing left of any of the original promises that would've made Noct's heart not his own, but if he thinks too hard about that he's going to start justifying again and right now he's only feeling, however reckless and terrifying it might be.]
My Noct.
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Of course Ignis has always been his -- Ignis has been there for him at the near-beginning, his playmate, companion, confidant, close friend, and now, now it's evolved to something undefinable, something deeper than he's ever felt for anyone before.
Ignis says it again, and something flickers in him, recognition and something else, a too-quick beat of his pulse, a sharp desire for more. For --
-- Six, he must be going crazy. This whole thing is so much, too much, but Noctis recklessly finds that he doesn't care. He's going to die, he's going to die and he's not sure if there's anything he can do about it, and here he is, thinking about stupid dumb things while time ticks away...
Noctis doesn't think. Ignis says My Noct and Noctis moves, heart in his throat and terrified and fierce, sealing the tiniest distance and the greatest gulf to tentatively, shyly press his lips to his.
It's soft and quick and fleeting, because in the pit of his stomach Noctis has always known, too, and he pulls away, uncertain. Maybe he's miscalculated. Maybe he's got it all wrong. Suddenly he doesn't want to stick around to find out, and Noctis is already quickly scrambling to his feet, ears burning. ]
Okay, uh. It's been a long day. And a very long night. I don't -- I gotta go.
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[He knows, fundamentally, that even his own request won't be able to keep Noct in place forever. He's had years to learn Noct's particular nuances, and he's well aware that after something like this, revelations like these and an act of infinite courage like that, that Noct's impulse will be to go off and brood and sort himself out on his own. More likely than not the morning will find him fishing, making productive use of his time while he replays this moment over and over again in his mind, dwelling on every nuance of it until he's exhausted himself from thinking about it.
But just because he'll do that eventually doesn't mean it needs to happen now, and so before Noct can get away entirely, Ignis leans and pushes himself up and catches hold of his hand, tethering him just enough that he'll have to break their connection if he wants to get away.]
Don't go. Not yet.
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Noctis is surprised when Ignis catches ahold of him and keeps him still -- he doesn't have the heart to pull away, no matter how his heart is racing, how he needs to be alone to sort himself out. Ignis is right in figuring out just what he'd do -- and he stops him anyway, for what?
It's Noctis' own curiosity and the warmth of Ignis' grip on his hand that doesn't make him pull away. He wonders if he should dream up his excuses now, tell him that he's not in his right mind -- and it's true, he probably isn't, he doesn't actually know. All he knows is that this could slip away from him. ]
What is it?
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He steps in close, and the hand that isn't holding Noct's comes up to cup the side of his face, stroking softly over his cheekbone as he gazes down into those velvet eyes.]
Don't leave without hearing my answer.
[Although "hearing" is a bit of a stretch, and more figurative than anything else, because his answer comes in the form of leaning down carefully to return Noct's kiss, just as soft but a little less shy — more steadying, more reassuring, no different than every other time that Noctis has been afraid in his life and Ignis has been strong and sure and there for him.]
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He'd thought that he'd do it with Luna when the time came and they meet -- but this, this is different. This is inspiring; it sends tingles down his spine and makes his heart pound but at the same time slows down the world so that the only thing that matters is them both. ]
We can't.
[ It's a half-hearted protest at best. There's so much going on, their friends dead and Noctis is going to die and what the hell, fuck it, they don't have much time left, do they?
So Noctis is grabbing him by the collar and keeping him there, deepening the kiss with all passion and little finesse, begging to be taught, refined. It feels right -- it's the only thing in this place that feels right. ]
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He's right to protest. He's right that they shouldn't do this. But the insistence doesn't match the way he grabs hold of Ignis's collar and redoubles his efforts immediately afterward, and for this one instance, Ignis chooses to take his cues from what Noct does, as opposed to what he says.]
I know.
[That's the sole acknowledgement he gives, paying lip service to the notion of being responsible even as he keeps his lips against Noct's, and if there's one modification that he does make to the way that Noct is carrying on, it's that he seeks to slow him down a little, walk his urgency back a bit, as if trying to reassure him that this moment is less fragile than it seems, and neither of them is going anywhere right now.]
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It's irresponsible and probably wrong; there's so much to sort through, not least of which to work out that what Ignis is feeling for him is really love -- that it isn't out of some sort of duty and obligation. Noctis would never dream of imposing himself on Ignis like that, but now he's hooked on him. Who knew that kissing someone would make butterflies erupt in his stomach?
He'd always thought that reports of that in Gladio's trashy romance novels are overhyped junk, but Six if he doesn't feel just that now, coaxed into calmer, less urgently desperate efforts. He parts his mouth for him then, quietly inviting, curious and warm. ]
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[He feels Noct's lips part, and knows it's an invitation; that's all the more reason why he's careful not to pull away, even though he knows he needs to pause the kiss long enough to speak. He stays close instead, lets his mouth stay touching Noct's, and murmurs the words against his lips so that there can be no doubt that his aim here isn't born of reluctance or second-guessing.
And in a way, it's almost as though he's read Noct's mind, because it seems their thoughts and concerns are running in very similar directions.]
I need to hear you say you want this. Forget whether we should or shouldn't. Just...I need to have heard it. In your voice.
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He should say no because Ignis is his retainer and advisor -- he should say no because he's more than just a friend and brother and this will muddy up the waters even further than it already has, because he's so much more and Noctis is afraid he's going to fuck things up by impulsively giving in to foremost needs.
But he needs him, beyond just being cared for. It's understanding and desire, it's the slow burn of want simmering unseen and consciously unexplored.
And Ignis, Ignis wants precision in all things and Noctis isn't sure he can give him that. He's overwhelmed by the depth of passion, the extent of devotion Ignis has shown, and he bites his own lip, blue eyes fixing on his.
Ignis must be a mess, too, isn't he? It's going to be so unfair if he isn't. ]
Yeah.
[ He says, against just about every rational caution when it comes to doing really stupid shit without thinking. ]
You?
[ Fuck it. He's 20 and the timetable for his demise just moved way the fuck up, even for him. How much worse can things get? ]
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[That's rhetorical, honestly, which is mostly because he genuinely hopes Noct isn't altogether aware of how long he's wanted him, because if he is, then that means Ignis hasn't been hiding it nearly as well as he'd thought he was.
He lifts a hand, bringing it carefully up to rest against Noct's face, and traces the high curve of his cheek for a moment before shifting it back to rake through Noct's hair, following the side of his head around to the back in a way that almost resembles petting.]
I could've accepted never speaking a word of it. Just being at your side, seeing you happy...it would've been enough.
[Breathing in slowly, he brings their foreheads to touch.]
But I want to be the one who makes you happy, if you'll let me.
[He wants to be the one who gets to kiss him, too, and right now he is, so he does.]
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I don't -- what? Really?
[ Ok, he didn't actually know that. Belatedly, he looks up at him, taken by surprise. Ignis has wanted him all along? Because he's made a damn good show of hiding it, gone unnoticed for so long. ]
Even when I was a terrible to you?
[ Yes, that time, when all Noctis could do was pre-emptively grieve his father as he's dying before his eyes, his life given to the Crystal in exchange for the Wall to protect their people. There was little that's likeable about him then, when Noctis was struggling and angry and sad all the time. Their foreheads touch, and Noctis swallows hard, unable to look away.
Ignis has always wanted him, and Noctis, Noctis has never allowed himself to pursue what he had been feeling deep down inside, buried by obligation and duties and a determination to be an eventual good husband.
And now, Ignis says he wants to make him happy, and Noctis doesn't know what to say to that, choked up with unexpressed emotion. ]
Um. You're -- you don't need to do that. Just... be with me.
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