[And there's savagery in his tone, then, finally jarred loose after keeping it under wraps all this time — the burden he's been condemned to shoulder alone. It's coming loose at last, all of his anger and his bitterness at the unfairness of it all, the raw anguish and the reluctance and the defiance, and threaded through it all is the deep heartfelt possessiveness he's kept since they were just children, since Noct's father who was almost his father, too, said please take care of my son.]
— They can't have you.
[You're mine! is something he's been heard to say on the battlefield, when he sights a target and marks it for certain death. He doesn't say it now, but if he did the phrase would be softer, more velvet, yet promising precisely as much retribution on anything that might dare to challenge it.]
I don't care what I have to do...what it demands of me. But I won't let them take you away from me.
[He's pretty sure he meant to stop that sentence with take you away, but then those last two words just sort of...slipped out, and changed everything.]
[ Even Noctis is surprised by the vehemence and savagery in his words, as if he could move destiny by force of will alone. Noctis finds that he wants him to -- guiltily, painfully, he wants to believe it. But Pryna has always been prescient, a messenger of the gods, and they both know better than anyone else that it will come to pass, and only Noctis will still Ignis. One day, when it comes, Noctis doesn't know if he'll be ready.
He's not ready for it now, the shock of it a jarring, painful thing that he's not sure he would've wanted to know. But Ignis, oh, Ignis, he sounds wounded, angry, and Noctis feels something strange twist and wind and flutter when he hears the last of it. I won't let them take you away from me. From him, like Noctis has always belonged to him in some way or another, and isn't it true? Ignis belongs to Noctis from the first day they'd met. They'd grown up together, played together, learned and fought and grieved, and the echoes of possessiveness are not new.
Ignis is his advisor, his cook, his longest friend -- when he had nobody, he had Ignis.
He looks up at him now, words caught in his throat at the fervor of promise, and he doesn't know what to say aside from a soft, quiet -- ]
I don't want to die.
[ He will face it one day, walk tall towards his destiny and leave his friends behind. One day, he'll bring back the dawn for everyone, and especially for those he loves, but today he's a twenty-year old faced with a terrible, awful truth. A last, strained burst of optimism because all of this is heavy, too heavy.
But he has to try anyway, he has to be strong because Ignis is going to unravel. He grasps the back of his neck, fingers curling tight. ]
But hey, look at me -- [ He's pressing his forehead to his and steals Ignis' gaze from the stars above; there is little comfort to be found in them tonight. Noctis says something he hopes to one day fully believe. ] 'm not going anywhere, so don't do anything stupid, okay? You're the smartest one outta all of us.
[For most, the phrase your word is my command is humorous at best, a cliche at worst. But right now, in this moment, Noct's word truly might as well be a command, because with five words Ignis rekindles his own personal vow against the Astrals, his mission to do whatever it takes to preserve the young man in his arms —
Because Noct doesn't want to die, and that's enough.
Noct doesn't want to die, and therefore he won't.
They're pressed together, forehead to forehead, Noct's hand curling at the back of his neck, and his glasses are getting jammed just a little from it but he doesn't care, because to adjust them would mean letting go and he's not going to do that, not ever.]
Noct...
[He closes his eyes, fingers tightening where he's holding him.]
Just once, I wish you would show as much care for yourself as I feel for you.
[But then he falls quiet, and what flits across his lips is a smile, probably, regardless of how much it's trembling.]
But...I suppose you wouldn't be my Noct if you ever did, would you.
[ Noctis says softly, shifting so that at least his glasses aren't weirdly sandwiched up. Up close, Noctis can see just how gorgeous his eyes are, what a vivid, striking shade of green, so very emotive, vulnerable and open. He can see it, the tremor in his smile because even now Ignis is trying to be brave for him too, despite the weight on his shoulders and his grief. Noctis doesn't walk alone -- there's Prompto, Gladio, and then there's Ignis, who is hurting and struggling and Noctis isn't quite sure how to make things better.
But then it occurs to him, just what Ignis said -- and Noctis blinks, feeling a little strange flutter -- so much like what he's been feeling ever since... well, the first time the stars came out. ]
Your Noct, huh?
[ He's never said that before and Noctis has never pushed, and with the weight of new knowledge on him he can't help but be chagrined. He doesn't know how to deal with it, with any of it, but all he knows is that this moment is infinitely comforting, to have Ignis by his side means he's not alone. Does Prompto know, he wonders? Does he know Noctis is going to die? It would make him sad. ]
[On its face, it's a touch of humor in an otherwise wry and awful situation, but deep down he's gauging for Noct's reaction, fighting off the urge to withdraw just a little from the uncertainty of how that's going to come across. He'd not meant much by it; it'd just been an offhand remark, born of Noct's permission to be someone who doesn't care so much about each and every precise word right now. But this is why he likes precision — because it avoids mistakes, and awkwardness, at least in theory.]
You wouldn't be you if you ever put yourself before others, either.
[ Noctis admits after a moment. My Noct, like My Ignis, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world to say. He's so close, so close now to him and it's difficult not to realise what this could possibly be, what he wants to happen -- even if it'll be ill-advised and ill-thought out and probably entirely unplanned. ] I guess I really am your Noct.
[ Oldest, longest companion -- Ignis is loved, and deeply, even if Noctis is so often such a brat about everything that it's a marvel Ignis is still sticking with him. He's tentative, eyes lidding briefly. ] Kinda makes it fairer.
[He echoes, drawing back slowly, and yet it's not a withdrawal; it's simply a means of getting a better look at Noctis, still close but without being too far in to appreciate him properly.]
[ Noctis reddens, looking away. Despite the gravity of the situation and the shit Noctis is still struggling to deal with, this question keeps him tongue-tied.
Isn't it obvious? Ignis belongs to him, too. That's his Ignis, right here with him. ]
[It's right about then that something — not clicks, because clicks would imply that it was something Ignis wasn't aware of before that suddenly snapped into clarity, and that's not the case here. He's been aware, because he'd have to be blind not to see —
Oh, bloody hell.
— because he'd have to be a fool to be ignorant of the fact that the things they do together like it's a matter of course aren't things that are supposed to be casual, between people. He's just been so very good at making excuses for it, thinly-veiled or not, and then never probing at them hard enough to allow that tissue-thin veil to tear away.
Of course he pulls Noct into his arms at night. It's to protect him, it's only natural.
Of course he'll never leave his side. He swore an oath to do that, it's only a matter of keeping his word.
Of course he spoils him, just for the sake of giving him something to be happy about. It's old habit from when they were children, and didn't know any better.
Of course he could get lost in Noct's eyes. He's only trying to memorize them, because someday he'll never see them again.
But this time Noct is blushing, and Ignis doesn't surrender to the impulse to justify and set aside the way it makes him feel to see it. Noct is blushing, period, full stop.
It doesn't take a master strategist to suss out why.]
Well, if you enjoy it so much, then I ought to do it again.
[Who gives a bloody damn, he thinks in a moment of hot defiance, and the truth of the matter is that he does, he gives a bloody damn, because his charge hasn't ended just because Insomnia is gone and Lunafreya has slipped away and there's nothing left of any of the original promises that would've made Noct's heart not his own, but if he thinks too hard about that he's going to start justifying again and right now he's only feeling, however reckless and terrifying it might be.]
[ Except this has absolutely nothing to do with Noctis being Ignis' charge and everything about Noctis acknowledging being his and vice versa, even if he can't bring himself to say that out loud of of profound embarrassment.
Of course Ignis has always been his -- Ignis has been there for him at the near-beginning, his playmate, companion, confidant, close friend, and now, now it's evolved to something undefinable, something deeper than he's ever felt for anyone before.
Ignis says it again, and something flickers in him, recognition and something else, a too-quick beat of his pulse, a sharp desire for more. For --
-- Six, he must be going crazy. This whole thing is so much, too much, but Noctis recklessly finds that he doesn't care. He's going to die, he's going to die and he's not sure if there's anything he can do about it, and here he is, thinking about stupid dumb things while time ticks away...
Noctis doesn't think. Ignis says My Noct and Noctis moves, heart in his throat and terrified and fierce, sealing the tiniest distance and the greatest gulf to tentatively, shyly press his lips to his.
It's soft and quick and fleeting, because in the pit of his stomach Noctis has always known, too, and he pulls away, uncertain. Maybe he's miscalculated. Maybe he's got it all wrong. Suddenly he doesn't want to stick around to find out, and Noctis is already quickly scrambling to his feet, ears burning. ]
Okay, uh. It's been a long day. And a very long night. I don't -- I gotta go.
[He knows, fundamentally, that even his own request won't be able to keep Noct in place forever. He's had years to learn Noct's particular nuances, and he's well aware that after something like this, revelations like these and an act of infinite courage like that, that Noct's impulse will be to go off and brood and sort himself out on his own. More likely than not the morning will find him fishing, making productive use of his time while he replays this moment over and over again in his mind, dwelling on every nuance of it until he's exhausted himself from thinking about it.
But just because he'll do that eventually doesn't mean it needs to happen now, and so before Noct can get away entirely, Ignis leans and pushes himself up and catches hold of his hand, tethering him just enough that he'll have to break their connection if he wants to get away.]
Noctis is surprised when Ignis catches ahold of him and keeps him still -- he doesn't have the heart to pull away, no matter how his heart is racing, how he needs to be alone to sort himself out. Ignis is right in figuring out just what he'd do -- and he stops him anyway, for what?
It's Noctis' own curiosity and the warmth of Ignis' grip on his hand that doesn't make him pull away. He wonders if he should dream up his excuses now, tell him that he's not in his right mind -- and it's true, he probably isn't, he doesn't actually know. All he knows is that this could slip away from him. ]
[He gets up to his feet without letting go of Noct's hand, holding on to it like a lifeline as he carefully draws near and fits himself into Noct's space. He's taller, by a bit, and there's something about that fact that just feels right in this moment, even if their heights have no actual bearing on the connection between them or the powerplay of their respective roles.
He steps in close, and the hand that isn't holding Noct's comes up to cup the side of his face, stroking softly over his cheekbone as he gazes down into those velvet eyes.]
Don't leave without hearing my answer.
[Although "hearing" is a bit of a stretch, and more figurative than anything else, because his answer comes in the form of leaning down carefully to return Noct's kiss, just as soft but a little less shy — more steadying, more reassuring, no different than every other time that Noctis has been afraid in his life and Ignis has been strong and sure and there for him.]
[ Ignis has the softest lips known to mankind, probably. Plush but firm and so very nice -- more sure than Noctis had been. Not that Noctis has any to compare it too, considering this is his first time doing... anything, really.
He'd thought that he'd do it with Luna when the time came and they meet -- but this, this is different. This is inspiring; it sends tingles down his spine and makes his heart pound but at the same time slows down the world so that the only thing that matters is them both. ]
We can't.
[ It's a half-hearted protest at best. There's so much going on, their friends dead and Noctis is going to die and what the hell, fuck it, they don't have much time left, do they?
So Noctis is grabbing him by the collar and keeping him there, deepening the kiss with all passion and little finesse, begging to be taught, refined. It feels right -- it's the only thing in this place that feels right. ]
[Even in a moment like this, the urge to take care of Noct is still as strong and prevalent as ever; it's just that this time, taking care of him isn't about feeding him or protecting him or discouraging his bad habits. This time, taking care of him is as simple as trying to show him some small sliver of comfort in the midst of the awful truths he's laid down in the course of this conversation, and he does it by moving his hand from Noct's face to wrap his arm around his waist, holding him steady and preventing him from fleeing all in the same movement.
He's right to protest. He's right that they shouldn't do this. But the insistence doesn't match the way he grabs hold of Ignis's collar and redoubles his efforts immediately afterward, and for this one instance, Ignis chooses to take his cues from what Noct does, as opposed to what he says.]
I know.
[That's the sole acknowledgement he gives, paying lip service to the notion of being responsible even as he keeps his lips against Noct's, and if there's one modification that he does make to the way that Noct is carrying on, it's that he seeks to slow him down a little, walk his urgency back a bit, as if trying to reassure him that this moment is less fragile than it seems, and neither of them is going anywhere right now.]
[ No, neither of them are going anywhere -- Noctis feels it, the way Ignis' arm slides around his waist to keep him steady, and he swears his knees will buckle when Ignis kisses him back, the shock and pleasure of his mouth on his making his toes curl.
It's irresponsible and probably wrong; there's so much to sort through, not least of which to work out that what Ignis is feeling for him is really love -- that it isn't out of some sort of duty and obligation. Noctis would never dream of imposing himself on Ignis like that, but now he's hooked on him. Who knew that kissing someone would make butterflies erupt in his stomach?
He'd always thought that reports of that in Gladio's trashy romance novels are overhyped junk, but Six if he doesn't feel just that now, coaxed into calmer, less urgently desperate efforts. He parts his mouth for him then, quietly inviting, curious and warm. ]
[He feels Noct's lips part, and knows it's an invitation; that's all the more reason why he's careful not to pull away, even though he knows he needs to pause the kiss long enough to speak. He stays close instead, lets his mouth stay touching Noct's, and murmurs the words against his lips so that there can be no doubt that his aim here isn't born of reluctance or second-guessing.
And in a way, it's almost as though he's read Noct's mind, because it seems their thoughts and concerns are running in very similar directions.]
I need to hear you say you want this. Forget whether we should or shouldn't. Just...I need to have heard it. In your voice.
He should say no because Ignis is his retainer and advisor -- he should say no because he's more than just a friend and brother and this will muddy up the waters even further than it already has, because he's so much more and Noctis is afraid he's going to fuck things up by impulsively giving in to foremost needs.
But he needs him, beyond just being cared for. It's understanding and desire, it's the slow burn of want simmering unseen and consciously unexplored.
And Ignis, Ignis wants precision in all things and Noctis isn't sure he can give him that. He's overwhelmed by the depth of passion, the extent of devotion Ignis has shown, and he bites his own lip, blue eyes fixing on his.
Ignis must be a mess, too, isn't he? It's going to be so unfair if he isn't. ]
Yeah.
[ He says, against just about every rational caution when it comes to doing really stupid shit without thinking. ]
You?
[ Fuck it. He's 20 and the timetable for his demise just moved way the fuck up, even for him. How much worse can things get? ]
[That's rhetorical, honestly, which is mostly because he genuinely hopes Noct isn't altogether aware of how long he's wanted him, because if he is, then that means Ignis hasn't been hiding it nearly as well as he'd thought he was.
He lifts a hand, bringing it carefully up to rest against Noct's face, and traces the high curve of his cheek for a moment before shifting it back to rake through Noct's hair, following the side of his head around to the back in a way that almost resembles petting.]
I could've accepted never speaking a word of it. Just being at your side, seeing you happy...it would've been enough.
[Breathing in slowly, he brings their foreheads to touch.]
But I want to be the one who makes you happy, if you'll let me.
[He wants to be the one who gets to kiss him, too, and right now he is, so he does.]
[ How is Ignis actually more articulate than he is right now? It's grossly, blatantly unfair, especially when all Noctis can really do is follow the shape of his perfect cupid's bow of a mouth, the smooth tenor of his voice like kissing him isn't the top of his really messed up agenda. He's nuzzling against his hand, seeking out comfort, the warmth and presence of him as his heart skips a beat. ]
I don't -- what? Really?
[ Ok, he didn't actually know that. Belatedly, he looks up at him, taken by surprise. Ignis has wanted him all along? Because he's made a damn good show of hiding it, gone unnoticed for so long. ]
Even when I was a terrible to you?
[ Yes, that time, when all Noctis could do was pre-emptively grieve his father as he's dying before his eyes, his life given to the Crystal in exchange for the Wall to protect their people. There was little that's likeable about him then, when Noctis was struggling and angry and sad all the time. Their foreheads touch, and Noctis swallows hard, unable to look away.
Ignis has always wanted him, and Noctis, Noctis has never allowed himself to pursue what he had been feeling deep down inside, buried by obligation and duties and a determination to be an eventual good husband.
And now, Ignis says he wants to make him happy, and Noctis doesn't know what to say to that, choked up with unexpressed emotion. ]
Um. You're -- you don't need to do that. Just... be with me.
Shhh. It's not as though I don't share the blame for that.
[He remembers. Of course he remembers, and there's a difference between understanding and absolution. Noct had been wrong, then, but so had Ignis. They'd had to struggle to make it work, to bridge the chasms between them and come together again.
But right now there's another chasm to bridge, and so he crosses it gently, kissing Noct softly again.]
And you.
[There's a thickness to his voice that suggests that again, though he may be hiding it well, he's not nearly so unaffected as he might seem.]
If I let you go, are you going to run away from me?
[ There it is, the chink in his armor, what Noctis didn't know he had been looking for -- the sign that he's as affected by this as he is, that he wants this moment to last for as long as it can. Things between them have never really been smooth; it had been a lot of recalibration, a lot of understanding in the wake of spats big and small, but nothing worth having has ever been easy.
And oh, how worth it Ignis is, how worth it whatever that's unfurling between them now is, if all of that had led them to here.
Noctis challenges him now, a gleam in his eye as he studies him, unmoving. Ignis' kiss lingers on his lips, warm and tantalising, and he licks his own lips almost unconsciously in a bid for more. ]
[Would that Ignis were king for thirty whole seconds, he would make it illegal for Noctis to ever lick his lips like that ever again, ever, while within fifty feet of him.
ILLEGAL.]
I'm too attached to having you close.
[Too attached to kissing him, too, now that all of a sudden he's able to do it — as though half of him expects that his permission will up and disappear any moment, and so he's got to make the most of it while it lasts.]
Far too great a risk to take -- oh, what a thing to say. Noctis can't help but feel that familiar flutter, and he's reaching up, arms coming to look around his neck as draws close. He's kissing him greedily now, heatedly this time around.
He's too attached to having him close, and Noctis is here, oh, he's here. He senses that Ignis is fearful somehow, as if worried that he'd slip from his fingers. But he's here, and he's not going anywhere, It has to last, it will last -- and he's uttering a soft moan into the kiss, tongue lightly touching against his. ]
[Addendum to the first: this should also be illegal. Noctis Lucis Caelum should be illegal, with his twining arms and his little moans and the brush of the tip of his tongue right at the point where their mouths have come together. His fingers itch to grab hold of him, to grasp him far more firmly than they're currently doing, and he thinks deep down that Noct would allow it if he did, but he holds himself back.
There's irresponsible, and then there's irresponsible. He wants, but still, there are limits. They need to — if not go slow, then at least proceed in a way that isn't reckless.
Noctis makes it so difficult, trying not to be reckless.]
...Then make sure I don't go anywhere, Noct.
[He rakes his fingers through the fluffy duckbutt hair at the back of Noct's head, tugging lightly as if in indication, and lets him feel the way he's smiling as he kisses him again.]
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[And there's savagery in his tone, then, finally jarred loose after keeping it under wraps all this time — the burden he's been condemned to shoulder alone. It's coming loose at last, all of his anger and his bitterness at the unfairness of it all, the raw anguish and the reluctance and the defiance, and threaded through it all is the deep heartfelt possessiveness he's kept since they were just children, since Noct's father who was almost his father, too, said please take care of my son.]
— They can't have you.
[You're mine! is something he's been heard to say on the battlefield, when he sights a target and marks it for certain death. He doesn't say it now, but if he did the phrase would be softer, more velvet, yet promising precisely as much retribution on anything that might dare to challenge it.]
I don't care what I have to do...what it demands of me. But I won't let them take you away from me.
[He's pretty sure he meant to stop that sentence with take you away, but then those last two words just sort of...slipped out, and changed everything.]
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He's not ready for it now, the shock of it a jarring, painful thing that he's not sure he would've wanted to know. But Ignis, oh, Ignis, he sounds wounded, angry, and Noctis feels something strange twist and wind and flutter when he hears the last of it. I won't let them take you away from me. From him, like Noctis has always belonged to him in some way or another, and isn't it true? Ignis belongs to Noctis from the first day they'd met. They'd grown up together, played together, learned and fought and grieved, and the echoes of possessiveness are not new.
Ignis is his advisor, his cook, his longest friend -- when he had nobody, he had Ignis.
He looks up at him now, words caught in his throat at the fervor of promise, and he doesn't know what to say aside from a soft, quiet -- ]
I don't want to die.
[ He will face it one day, walk tall towards his destiny and leave his friends behind. One day, he'll bring back the dawn for everyone, and especially for those he loves, but today he's a twenty-year old faced with a terrible, awful truth. A last, strained burst of optimism because all of this is heavy, too heavy.
But he has to try anyway, he has to be strong because Ignis is going to unravel. He grasps the back of his neck, fingers curling tight. ]
But hey, look at me -- [ He's pressing his forehead to his and steals Ignis' gaze from the stars above; there is little comfort to be found in them tonight. Noctis says something he hopes to one day fully believe. ] 'm not going anywhere, so don't do anything stupid, okay? You're the smartest one outta all of us.
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Because Noct doesn't want to die, and that's enough.
Noct doesn't want to die, and therefore he won't.
They're pressed together, forehead to forehead, Noct's hand curling at the back of his neck, and his glasses are getting jammed just a little from it but he doesn't care, because to adjust them would mean letting go and he's not going to do that, not ever.]
Noct...
[He closes his eyes, fingers tightening where he's holding him.]
Just once, I wish you would show as much care for yourself as I feel for you.
[But then he falls quiet, and what flits across his lips is a smile, probably, regardless of how much it's trembling.]
But...I suppose you wouldn't be my Noct if you ever did, would you.
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[ Noctis says softly, shifting so that at least his glasses aren't weirdly sandwiched up. Up close, Noctis can see just how gorgeous his eyes are, what a vivid, striking shade of green, so very emotive, vulnerable and open. He can see it, the tremor in his smile because even now Ignis is trying to be brave for him too, despite the weight on his shoulders and his grief. Noctis doesn't walk alone -- there's Prompto, Gladio, and then there's Ignis, who is hurting and struggling and Noctis isn't quite sure how to make things better.
But then it occurs to him, just what Ignis said -- and Noctis blinks, feeling a little strange flutter -- so much like what he's been feeling ever since... well, the first time the stars came out. ]
Your Noct, huh?
[ He's never said that before and Noctis has never pushed, and with the weight of new knowledge on him he can't help but be chagrined. He doesn't know how to deal with it, with any of it, but all he knows is that this moment is infinitely comforting, to have Ignis by his side means he's not alone. Does Prompto know, he wonders? Does he know Noctis is going to die? It would make him sad. ]
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[On its face, it's a touch of humor in an otherwise wry and awful situation, but deep down he's gauging for Noct's reaction, fighting off the urge to withdraw just a little from the uncertainty of how that's going to come across. He'd not meant much by it; it'd just been an offhand remark, born of Noct's permission to be someone who doesn't care so much about each and every precise word right now. But this is why he likes precision — because it avoids mistakes, and awkwardness, at least in theory.]
You wouldn't be you if you ever put yourself before others, either.
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[ Noctis admits after a moment. My Noct, like My Ignis, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world to say. He's so close, so close now to him and it's difficult not to realise what this could possibly be, what he wants to happen -- even if it'll be ill-advised and ill-thought out and probably entirely unplanned. ] I guess I really am your Noct.
[ Oldest, longest companion -- Ignis is loved, and deeply, even if Noctis is so often such a brat about everything that it's a marvel Ignis is still sticking with him. He's tentative, eyes lidding briefly. ] Kinda makes it fairer.
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[He echoes, drawing back slowly, and yet it's not a withdrawal; it's simply a means of getting a better look at Noctis, still close but without being too far in to appreciate him properly.]
How does that make it fairer, exactly?
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[ Noctis reddens, looking away. Despite the gravity of the situation and the shit Noctis is still struggling to deal with, this question keeps him tongue-tied.
Isn't it obvious? Ignis belongs to him, too. That's his Ignis, right here with him. ]
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Oh, bloody hell.
— because he'd have to be a fool to be ignorant of the fact that the things they do together like it's a matter of course aren't things that are supposed to be casual, between people. He's just been so very good at making excuses for it, thinly-veiled or not, and then never probing at them hard enough to allow that tissue-thin veil to tear away.
Of course he pulls Noct into his arms at night. It's to protect him, it's only natural.
Of course he'll never leave his side. He swore an oath to do that, it's only a matter of keeping his word.
Of course he spoils him, just for the sake of giving him something to be happy about. It's old habit from when they were children, and didn't know any better.
Of course he could get lost in Noct's eyes. He's only trying to memorize them, because someday he'll never see them again.
But this time Noct is blushing, and Ignis doesn't surrender to the impulse to justify and set aside the way it makes him feel to see it. Noct is blushing, period, full stop.
It doesn't take a master strategist to suss out why.]
Well, if you enjoy it so much, then I ought to do it again.
[Who gives a bloody damn, he thinks in a moment of hot defiance, and the truth of the matter is that he does, he gives a bloody damn, because his charge hasn't ended just because Insomnia is gone and Lunafreya has slipped away and there's nothing left of any of the original promises that would've made Noct's heart not his own, but if he thinks too hard about that he's going to start justifying again and right now he's only feeling, however reckless and terrifying it might be.]
My Noct.
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Of course Ignis has always been his -- Ignis has been there for him at the near-beginning, his playmate, companion, confidant, close friend, and now, now it's evolved to something undefinable, something deeper than he's ever felt for anyone before.
Ignis says it again, and something flickers in him, recognition and something else, a too-quick beat of his pulse, a sharp desire for more. For --
-- Six, he must be going crazy. This whole thing is so much, too much, but Noctis recklessly finds that he doesn't care. He's going to die, he's going to die and he's not sure if there's anything he can do about it, and here he is, thinking about stupid dumb things while time ticks away...
Noctis doesn't think. Ignis says My Noct and Noctis moves, heart in his throat and terrified and fierce, sealing the tiniest distance and the greatest gulf to tentatively, shyly press his lips to his.
It's soft and quick and fleeting, because in the pit of his stomach Noctis has always known, too, and he pulls away, uncertain. Maybe he's miscalculated. Maybe he's got it all wrong. Suddenly he doesn't want to stick around to find out, and Noctis is already quickly scrambling to his feet, ears burning. ]
Okay, uh. It's been a long day. And a very long night. I don't -- I gotta go.
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[He knows, fundamentally, that even his own request won't be able to keep Noct in place forever. He's had years to learn Noct's particular nuances, and he's well aware that after something like this, revelations like these and an act of infinite courage like that, that Noct's impulse will be to go off and brood and sort himself out on his own. More likely than not the morning will find him fishing, making productive use of his time while he replays this moment over and over again in his mind, dwelling on every nuance of it until he's exhausted himself from thinking about it.
But just because he'll do that eventually doesn't mean it needs to happen now, and so before Noct can get away entirely, Ignis leans and pushes himself up and catches hold of his hand, tethering him just enough that he'll have to break their connection if he wants to get away.]
Don't go. Not yet.
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Noctis is surprised when Ignis catches ahold of him and keeps him still -- he doesn't have the heart to pull away, no matter how his heart is racing, how he needs to be alone to sort himself out. Ignis is right in figuring out just what he'd do -- and he stops him anyway, for what?
It's Noctis' own curiosity and the warmth of Ignis' grip on his hand that doesn't make him pull away. He wonders if he should dream up his excuses now, tell him that he's not in his right mind -- and it's true, he probably isn't, he doesn't actually know. All he knows is that this could slip away from him. ]
What is it?
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He steps in close, and the hand that isn't holding Noct's comes up to cup the side of his face, stroking softly over his cheekbone as he gazes down into those velvet eyes.]
Don't leave without hearing my answer.
[Although "hearing" is a bit of a stretch, and more figurative than anything else, because his answer comes in the form of leaning down carefully to return Noct's kiss, just as soft but a little less shy — more steadying, more reassuring, no different than every other time that Noctis has been afraid in his life and Ignis has been strong and sure and there for him.]
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He'd thought that he'd do it with Luna when the time came and they meet -- but this, this is different. This is inspiring; it sends tingles down his spine and makes his heart pound but at the same time slows down the world so that the only thing that matters is them both. ]
We can't.
[ It's a half-hearted protest at best. There's so much going on, their friends dead and Noctis is going to die and what the hell, fuck it, they don't have much time left, do they?
So Noctis is grabbing him by the collar and keeping him there, deepening the kiss with all passion and little finesse, begging to be taught, refined. It feels right -- it's the only thing in this place that feels right. ]
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He's right to protest. He's right that they shouldn't do this. But the insistence doesn't match the way he grabs hold of Ignis's collar and redoubles his efforts immediately afterward, and for this one instance, Ignis chooses to take his cues from what Noct does, as opposed to what he says.]
I know.
[That's the sole acknowledgement he gives, paying lip service to the notion of being responsible even as he keeps his lips against Noct's, and if there's one modification that he does make to the way that Noct is carrying on, it's that he seeks to slow him down a little, walk his urgency back a bit, as if trying to reassure him that this moment is less fragile than it seems, and neither of them is going anywhere right now.]
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It's irresponsible and probably wrong; there's so much to sort through, not least of which to work out that what Ignis is feeling for him is really love -- that it isn't out of some sort of duty and obligation. Noctis would never dream of imposing himself on Ignis like that, but now he's hooked on him. Who knew that kissing someone would make butterflies erupt in his stomach?
He'd always thought that reports of that in Gladio's trashy romance novels are overhyped junk, but Six if he doesn't feel just that now, coaxed into calmer, less urgently desperate efforts. He parts his mouth for him then, quietly inviting, curious and warm. ]
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[He feels Noct's lips part, and knows it's an invitation; that's all the more reason why he's careful not to pull away, even though he knows he needs to pause the kiss long enough to speak. He stays close instead, lets his mouth stay touching Noct's, and murmurs the words against his lips so that there can be no doubt that his aim here isn't born of reluctance or second-guessing.
And in a way, it's almost as though he's read Noct's mind, because it seems their thoughts and concerns are running in very similar directions.]
I need to hear you say you want this. Forget whether we should or shouldn't. Just...I need to have heard it. In your voice.
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He should say no because Ignis is his retainer and advisor -- he should say no because he's more than just a friend and brother and this will muddy up the waters even further than it already has, because he's so much more and Noctis is afraid he's going to fuck things up by impulsively giving in to foremost needs.
But he needs him, beyond just being cared for. It's understanding and desire, it's the slow burn of want simmering unseen and consciously unexplored.
And Ignis, Ignis wants precision in all things and Noctis isn't sure he can give him that. He's overwhelmed by the depth of passion, the extent of devotion Ignis has shown, and he bites his own lip, blue eyes fixing on his.
Ignis must be a mess, too, isn't he? It's going to be so unfair if he isn't. ]
Yeah.
[ He says, against just about every rational caution when it comes to doing really stupid shit without thinking. ]
You?
[ Fuck it. He's 20 and the timetable for his demise just moved way the fuck up, even for him. How much worse can things get? ]
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[That's rhetorical, honestly, which is mostly because he genuinely hopes Noct isn't altogether aware of how long he's wanted him, because if he is, then that means Ignis hasn't been hiding it nearly as well as he'd thought he was.
He lifts a hand, bringing it carefully up to rest against Noct's face, and traces the high curve of his cheek for a moment before shifting it back to rake through Noct's hair, following the side of his head around to the back in a way that almost resembles petting.]
I could've accepted never speaking a word of it. Just being at your side, seeing you happy...it would've been enough.
[Breathing in slowly, he brings their foreheads to touch.]
But I want to be the one who makes you happy, if you'll let me.
[He wants to be the one who gets to kiss him, too, and right now he is, so he does.]
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I don't -- what? Really?
[ Ok, he didn't actually know that. Belatedly, he looks up at him, taken by surprise. Ignis has wanted him all along? Because he's made a damn good show of hiding it, gone unnoticed for so long. ]
Even when I was a terrible to you?
[ Yes, that time, when all Noctis could do was pre-emptively grieve his father as he's dying before his eyes, his life given to the Crystal in exchange for the Wall to protect their people. There was little that's likeable about him then, when Noctis was struggling and angry and sad all the time. Their foreheads touch, and Noctis swallows hard, unable to look away.
Ignis has always wanted him, and Noctis, Noctis has never allowed himself to pursue what he had been feeling deep down inside, buried by obligation and duties and a determination to be an eventual good husband.
And now, Ignis says he wants to make him happy, and Noctis doesn't know what to say to that, choked up with unexpressed emotion. ]
Um. You're -- you don't need to do that. Just... be with me.
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[He remembers. Of course he remembers, and there's a difference between understanding and absolution. Noct had been wrong, then, but so had Ignis. They'd had to struggle to make it work, to bridge the chasms between them and come together again.
But right now there's another chasm to bridge, and so he crosses it gently, kissing Noct softly again.]
And you.
[There's a thickness to his voice that suggests that again, though he may be hiding it well, he's not nearly so unaffected as he might seem.]
If I let you go, are you going to run away from me?
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And oh, how worth it Ignis is, how worth it whatever that's unfurling between them now is, if all of that had led them to here.
Noctis challenges him now, a gleam in his eye as he studies him, unmoving. Ignis' kiss lingers on his lips, warm and tantalising, and he licks his own lips almost unconsciously in a bid for more. ]
Find out for yourself.
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[Would that Ignis were king for thirty whole seconds, he would make it illegal for Noctis to ever lick his lips like that ever again, ever, while within fifty feet of him.
ILLEGAL.]
I'm too attached to having you close.
[Too attached to kissing him, too, now that all of a sudden he's able to do it — as though half of him expects that his permission will up and disappear any moment, and so he's got to make the most of it while it lasts.]
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Far too great a risk to take -- oh, what a thing to say. Noctis can't help but feel that familiar flutter, and he's reaching up, arms coming to look around his neck as draws close. He's kissing him greedily now, heatedly this time around.
He's too attached to having him close, and Noctis is here, oh, he's here. He senses that Ignis is fearful somehow, as if worried that he'd slip from his fingers. But he's here, and he's not going anywhere, It has to last, it will last -- and he's uttering a soft moan into the kiss, tongue lightly touching against his. ]
I think -- me, too...
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There's irresponsible, and then there's irresponsible. He wants, but still, there are limits. They need to — if not go slow, then at least proceed in a way that isn't reckless.
Noctis makes it so difficult, trying not to be reckless.]
...Then make sure I don't go anywhere, Noct.
[He rakes his fingers through the fluffy duckbutt hair at the back of Noct's head, tugging lightly as if in indication, and lets him feel the way he's smiling as he kisses him again.]
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