You know, this is proving highly anticlimactic, here I keep thinking I'll be given a venue to tell a moving and profound tale to better illuminate my pathos and everyone thus far has been too understanding of my presumed motives to hear it.
Ah, well. I never was much of one for the limelight.
[ look. look. he's assumed it was a fake name for too long to really go oh my GOD a FAKE NAME, and his reaction to the assumption earlier was "eh whatever he seems cool" so dave can't work up to any real drama or climactic. y. he doesn't know the word that would fit here and neither do i.
but whenever ignis rolls up to the edge of the woods: ]
I mean, I am always down to hear moving and profound tales?
As someone who's been made tangentially aware of more than a few video games thanks to Noctis, I wouldn't say it's forever. But you may have to do some work to trigger that particular...what's the word. Dialogue prompt? Again, in the future.
[Anyway! Off they go, to straight up fucking murder a spider lady.]
If memory serves, I believe the foe in question likes to approach and seduce travelers on her own. Perhaps we can expedite the process by making a great deal of noise and sounding generally hapless.
I'm bein' totally story-blocked by my general disinterest in makin' people talk about shit they'd rather not talk about. Also does that mean I should loudly bemoan like how lost we are and how easy we are to seduce? Wow, ladies. With spider bits. ...You know what, John would probably go for that more than I would.
Just the lost bit then. Also I wouldn't say he'd specifically go for them because spiders. It just like. Depends on the spider lady in question? He likes girls who are sort of...
[ gestures a bit like that will explain anything. ]
Determined? Sense of humor, a little bossy. That kinda thing. But I could definitely see him being haplessly seduced by a spider lady monster.
...I suppose in John's defense, self-assured women who are both determined and bossy but with a sense of humor are undeniably attractive. Having met a few in my life, already.
[Like, hot damn, Aranea Highwind is attractive. Even if you're not attracted to her (and she'd probably love your money more than she loves you), there's no denying the reality of pure aesthetics.]
Odd that spiders in particular seem to have associations with being seductive, when in fact they're some of the more disgusting creatures biologically I've — ah, there in that tree. Are those webs?
I imagine, webs being what they are, cutting the hostages out will almost certainly incite our prey to show herself. So that may be an expedient way of cutting to the quick, as it were.
[He readies his daggers, overclocking so that the blades begin to shimmer with the beginnings of flames radiating down along the steel.]
[And there she comes, but luckily Ignis is ready and waiting, and also moderately crazy. You sort of have to be, to sight a target and immediately respond to it by throwing your dagger directly at its torso, particularly when said dagger also happens to be actively on fire.]
[ haha holy shit ignis throws flame daggers? obviously dave takes a few precious seconds to finish freeing animal #1. he is going to get all these fuckers out of here if it kills him.
and even if they later kill these guys for food. circle of life.
[Of course, now he's down a dagger, which was probably not strategically his best move. Strategy may also prompt him to switch over to using a lance in a minute or two, for the sake of keeping out of the way of All Of Those Limbs; close range fighting isn't exactly optimal when your foe is a bucket of hands.
On the other hand (pun intended), at least the spider woman seems to really hate fire. He'd been rather hoping she might catch light and make this easy on everyone.]
[Well, that's no good. That's a sign that it's definitely Lance Time, and so he dispels his dagger back into the armiger before reaching instead for his lance, making it appear in his hands with a shatter of blue-white light.
One Hella Sick Anime Pose™ later, he's launching himself into the air, aiming to impale the beast with a devastating aerial drop, which at best should deliver it a hefty wound and at worst should still startle it enough to get it to let Dave go.]
[ it's truly fucking tragic dave can't admire the hella sick anime pose (tm) because he's busy hopping backwards and trying not to choke. he COULD maybe cut his cape to free himself, but like.
that would require? cutting his cape? and clearly that is not an option even though air is hard to get when a spider lady has your cape and is tugging you backwards.
but then at least she's startled into letting go and dave catches his balance and like.
we can just...pretend the last minute didn't happen at all? he definitely did not do that. totally did not happen.
he's coughing as he turns catching his balance into a spin to slice off TWO more legs! god why does she have so many legs >[ ]
[HOW MANY LEGS HAS IT EVEN BEEN SHE SHOULD ONLY HAVE LIKE. EIGHT. Good grief this is like fighting a Marilith, which by the way: fuck mariliths also.]
All right?!
[That's supposed to be an inquiry into Dave's health, probably, but he's a little busy right now, setting his stance and pivoting sharply and driving his pike right toward her abdomen.]
[ all mutant animals seem to have extra legs and maybe it's a centipede spider woman, alex, u don't know
but yeah they're at least probably gonna bleed her to death if nothing else. go team whatever the fuck! ]
Peachy! [ it's said around a cough though so that's #convincing. this time he...stabs his sword through the back of her. kimono? is this a yukata? what's the fucking difference dave isn't enough of a weeb to know.
but he does that to hold her the fuck in place while ignis does the pike thing. ]
[So impaling her, evidently, is what they're doing today, and presumably as soon as the spider woman figures that out she's going to immediately try to cut her losses and escape; if they're going to kill her, they'll have to make sure she can't succeed at that.
So Dave's sword goes through the back of her, and Ignis's spear goes through the front of her, and it's a good thing that nobody is around to make Freudian color commentary because the fact of the matter is, getting impaled on two different fronts is a pretty surefire way to ensure that you're going to die, regardless of what else might happen.
Seems she's already losing a lot of blood, from this, and her attacks in response are turning sluggish and slow. If this were a game of Mortal Kombat, someone would almost assuredly be yelling FINISH HER right about now.]
sickeningly reminiscent of how he died, actually. there's something wry and sympathetic to the twist of dave's mouth as he draws his sword back out and makes certain his next strike is more lethal.
dirk mentioned decapitation and maybe it's on the brain or maybe it's a strider thing but that's what he does, some weird combination of competent and merciful in a way that absolutely isn't by the standard definition of the word. ]
Just like that, the body goes limp where it's still stuck on the end of Ignis's pike, its remaining connected limbs twitching as the now-headless creature undergoes its death rattles and eventually falls still.
Mercifully, for everyone concerned, there is no way Ignis is going to look at this corpse and come up with a NEW RECIPEH. Because holy shit.]
...Seems that did it, Dave.
[He's a little out of breath, but ultimately no worse for the wear.]
I believe you've seen them all, actually. Spelldaggers and the lance.
[Speaking of which, let's just shove the lance back into the armiger, shall we. Hammerspace!]
I keep them in the same place I kept that can of soda I used when we were baking together. It's something of an all-purpose holding mechanism, the armiger.
[He pauses, seeming to consider something, and then goes over to retrieve both his spelldaggers before heading over to try to help Dave in his efforts.]
I seem to recall I was a bit duplicitous about that as well, at the time. It's Noct's magic, that I have access to. I've been able to use it for years now.
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Ah, well. I never was much of one for the limelight.
I'll see you there soon.
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but whenever ignis rolls up to the edge of the woods: ]
I mean, I am always down to hear moving and profound tales?
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No, no, that's quite all right, I'd hate to think you were only interested because I made a fuss about it.
[Also he's going to be a little bit salty about it but that'll wear off. Probably.]
Not afraid of spiders, are you?
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[ not really. he looks amused and not about to press the issue, but come on. ]
I'm reasonably sure we just go in and wander around until somethin' tries to kill us in this case?
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[Anyway! Off they go, to straight up fucking murder a spider lady.]
If memory serves, I believe the foe in question likes to approach and seduce travelers on her own. Perhaps we can expedite the process by making a great deal of noise and sounding generally hapless.
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[ is that relevant...............
is anything dave says ever relevant. ]
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[LET'S JUST GET THAT ONE OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT NOW.]
Is John the type to go for spider women, then?
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[ gestures a bit like that will explain anything. ]
Determined? Sense of humor, a little bossy. That kinda thing. But I could definitely see him being haplessly seduced by a spider lady monster.
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[Like, hot damn, Aranea Highwind is attractive. Even if you're not attracted to her (and she'd probably love your money more than she loves you), there's no denying the reality of pure aesthetics.]
Odd that spiders in particular seem to have associations with being seductive, when in fact they're some of the more disgusting creatures biologically I've — ah, there in that tree. Are those webs?
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...With some unfortunates stuck in. [ because these spider ladies have to eat.
animals, if they can't get unwary sarcastic dudes. ] I think some of 'em are still alive. Cover me while I cut 'em out, or take out the lady first?
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[He readies his daggers, overclocking so that the blades begin to shimmer with the beginnings of flames radiating down along the steel.]
Do be careful.
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[ is that encouraging?
but dave's by the webs in an instant, flashstepping over to begin cutting free a spider deer.
so, you know.
spider lady is of course slamming into view, no doubt, ready to take him down. ]
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[And there she comes, but luckily Ignis is ready and waiting, and also moderately crazy. You sort of have to be, to sight a target and immediately respond to it by throwing your dagger directly at its torso, particularly when said dagger also happens to be actively on fire.]
On your left!
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and even if they later kill these guys for food. circle of life.
but the others can wait a few; he dodges out of the way of one of way too many limbs. ]
Holy shit. Did you do that with magic?? [ why does he take the time to ask about the fire dagger. ]
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[Of course, now he's down a dagger, which was probably not strategically his best move. Strategy may also prompt him to switch over to using a lance in a minute or two, for the sake of keeping out of the way of All Of Those Limbs; close range fighting isn't exactly optimal when your foe is a bucket of hands.
On the other hand (pun intended), at least the spider woman seems to really hate fire. He'd been rather hoping she might catch light and make this easy on everyone.]
Are you quite finished up there?
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[ strategy isn't something dave is unused to, exactly, but he reacts rather than thinks next.
spider lady has a lot of limbs, right? and dave has a sharp sword in his hands suddenly.
his next move is to run closer to slice off one of the limbs. which...spider blood. ew. good thing his clothes clean themselves.
bad thing she has so many limbs and he dodges again but she snags his cape. ]
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One Hella Sick Anime Pose™ later, he's launching himself into the air, aiming to impale the beast with a devastating aerial drop, which at best should deliver it a hefty wound and at worst should still startle it enough to get it to let Dave go.]
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that would require? cutting his cape? and clearly that is not an option even though air is hard to get when a spider lady has your cape and is tugging you backwards.
but then at least she's startled into letting go and dave catches his balance and like.
we can just...pretend the last minute didn't happen at all? he definitely did not do that. totally did not happen.
he's coughing as he turns catching his balance into a spin to slice off TWO more legs! god why does she have so many legs >[ ]
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All right?!
[That's supposed to be an inquiry into Dave's health, probably, but he's a little busy right now, setting his stance and pivoting sharply and driving his pike right toward her abdomen.]
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but yeah they're at least probably gonna bleed her to death if nothing else. go team whatever the fuck! ]
Peachy! [ it's said around a cough though so that's #convincing. this time he...stabs his sword through the back of her. kimono? is this a yukata? what's the fucking difference dave isn't enough of a weeb to know.
but he does that to hold her the fuck in place while ignis does the pike thing. ]
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So Dave's sword goes through the back of her, and Ignis's spear goes through the front of her, and it's a good thing that nobody is around to make Freudian color commentary because the fact of the matter is, getting impaled on two different fronts is a pretty surefire way to ensure that you're going to die, regardless of what else might happen.
Seems she's already losing a lot of blood, from this, and her attacks in response are turning sluggish and slow. If this were a game of Mortal Kombat, someone would almost assuredly be yelling FINISH HER right about now.]
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sickeningly reminiscent of how he died, actually. there's something wry and sympathetic to the twist of dave's mouth as he draws his sword back out and makes certain his next strike is more lethal.
dirk mentioned decapitation and maybe it's on the brain or maybe it's a strider thing but that's what he does, some weird combination of competent and merciful in a way that absolutely isn't by the standard definition of the word. ]
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Just like that, the body goes limp where it's still stuck on the end of Ignis's pike, its remaining connected limbs twitching as the now-headless creature undergoes its death rattles and eventually falls still.
Mercifully, for everyone concerned, there is no way Ignis is going to look at this corpse and come up with a NEW RECIPEH. Because holy shit.]
...Seems that did it, Dave.
[He's a little out of breath, but ultimately no worse for the wear.]
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but yeah. he looks at the very dead spider lady and then -
goes to the webs to continue cutting free what animals are still alive. ]
At least decapitation still works the same. How many weapons do you have on you, anyway?
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[Speaking of which, let's just shove the lance back into the armiger, shall we. Hammerspace!]
I keep them in the same place I kept that can of soda I used when we were baking together. It's something of an all-purpose holding mechanism, the armiger.
[He pauses, seeming to consider something, and then goes over to retrieve both his spelldaggers before heading over to try to help Dave in his efforts.]
I seem to recall I was a bit duplicitous about that as well, at the time. It's Noct's magic, that I have access to. I've been able to use it for years now.
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