[His voice is quieter now, as he holds on to Noctis and lets Noct hold on to him, and lets himself slip a little out of perfection and into something a little more flawed, fumbling and uncertain and all.]
I feel — something, but I'm not sure if I can quantify it. Trying to fit a name to it runs the risk of my rationalizing it out of existence. But I don't want you or Prompto to feel guilty, so my instinct is to be tolerant. That's why I keep resorting to that.
[ Noctis is quiet for a moment, assessing him carefully. The guilt that sets in his chest hasn't dissipated, but Noctis is more preoccupied with how it's affecting Ignis. Is he hurt? Upset?
Even now, he's thinking of Noctis and Prompto, Noctis sighs softly, giving him a little squeeze. ]
Ignis... I need you to think of yourself first, right now. [ He reminds him, because he doesn't need Ignis to be perfect -- he needs him to be his boyfriend, and as much as Noctis wants to escape from this conversation, he knows it'll only get worse if he doesn't say anything. ]
[He grits his teeth, hissing softly, and raises a hand to his forehead to rub at it, met with a sudden flash of impotent frustration.]
I'm trying to. I'm trying to tell you what I'm feeling, I don't have words for it.
[And that's frustrating to him, of course. Ignis, with a word for every situation and then some, unable to fit his emotions into concepts that he can express.]
I feel that I don't want you to be upset. I feel that I don't feel like being angry at Prompto. I feel something besides those things, that I can't put into words. I'm not deflecting, I'm — badly, telling you, trying to say what I feel.
[ Well, this is unprecedented. Ignis has complicated feelings he can't put into words, he's frustrated at himself, and then... he's not mad at Prompto. There's something going on there, and so Noctis waits. ]
Okay.
[ He says softly, curiously, because Ignis is trying and for the first time he's clearly in uncharted territory, like Noctis. He knows the feeling very, very well. ]
The problem is that I know what I ought to feel, but when I line it up against what I do feel, it doesn't match.
[He huffs a little under his breath, still venting frustration.]
Reason says I ought to feel betrayed and hurt. I don't. Reason says I ought to be angry with Prompto, upset with you. I'm not. I don't know what's left, I can't seem to match it to a sentiment.
[And finally he just shrugs a little.]
I don't know how I feel. I can't hasten to say I'm fine with it, but I also can't say I'm upset about it. I'm processing it and I don't know how it will turn out on the other side, yet.
[ Okay, so there are a lot of things going on at once that Noctis needs to process. He pulls away from him, not out of disgust or displeasure, but contemplative. One: Ignis doesn't feel betrayed or hurt. Two: Ignis isn't mad at Prompto or upset with him. And these two things are definitely the most normal things to be feeling when something like this happens.
That it isn't happening is baffling, too, but Noctis isn't in a hurry to force a conclusion out of Ignis -- he knows how these things get; Noctis can't even sort out his own emotions effectively sometimes, and for someone like Ignis, who always has his shit together, this must be particularly distressing. ]
Oh.
[ Then, something occurs to him, the slow clicking of a puzzle sliding into place. It's hard not to, considering the conversations they've had about Prompto during their makeouts. ] Do you, uh... like Prompto?
[What a question that is, to receive. Does he like Prompto — and not just in the way that he could easily misinterpret and escape from this line of questioning through. It would be painfully easy to presume Noct means it platonically, to say "of course" and change the subject, but that's not what he's getting at, and their discussion won't be best served by that sort of deflection anyway.
Still, he's not sure if that's a question for the sake of confirming a fact or one that comes with an accusation in its underpinnings, and so he's careful when he answers.]
I'm not in love with him.
[Best to reaffirm that, first and foremost.]
Are you suggesting I'm not cross with him because I have secretly harbored affections for him, or...?
[ Because the alternative is this: Ignis doesn't care enough to be upset, which is really absurd when he thinks about it -- it doesn't line up with everything that he feels. And it definitely makes less sense than Ignis somehow having feelings for Prompto, too.
Ignis definitely cares, but Noctis is just as baffled about this, having not previously encountered such an emotional quagmire. ]
I don't know what's going on here, Ignis.
[ He says softly; there's no accusation to be found in his tone, only a gentle stating of fact. ]
Do you... want me to give you some space? To think about it?
[Here, again, is another crossroads — another time when habit would have him answer one thing while another part of him wouldn't answer in such haste. It leaves him quiet, hesitant to respond right away, and eventually he draws back and takes Noct's face in his hands, running his thumbs over his cheeks as he looks at him softly.]
I don't want you to leave me alone right now.
[That's the first thing, the most important thing.]
But I do think...that I need time, to think about how I feel. I don't want to tell you something and call it true before I've even worked out if it is true or not. Is...that all right?
[ The relief in his eyes is obvious even if Noctis will never admit it. He doesn't want to leave Ignis alone, and giving him space would probably kill Noctis and make him inwardly miserable, so when Ignis reaches for him Noctis wraps his arms around him, leaning into his hands. ]
Okay, I can do that.
[ This whole relationship thing is hard, but at least they're talking it out as honestly as they can, right? Ignis is trying to figure out his complicated feelings and the least Noctis can do is let him. ]
All the time you need. And... catching up, for us.
[ He did just narrowly escape being an icicle, after all. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
[His voice is quieter now, as he holds on to Noctis and lets Noct hold on to him, and lets himself slip a little out of perfection and into something a little more flawed, fumbling and uncertain and all.]
I feel — something, but I'm not sure if I can quantify it. Trying to fit a name to it runs the risk of my rationalizing it out of existence. But I don't want you or Prompto to feel guilty, so my instinct is to be tolerant. That's why I keep resorting to that.
no subject
Even now, he's thinking of Noctis and Prompto, Noctis sighs softly, giving him a little squeeze. ]
Ignis... I need you to think of yourself first, right now. [ He reminds him, because he doesn't need Ignis to be perfect -- he needs him to be his boyfriend, and as much as Noctis wants to escape from this conversation, he knows it'll only get worse if he doesn't say anything. ]
no subject
[He grits his teeth, hissing softly, and raises a hand to his forehead to rub at it, met with a sudden flash of impotent frustration.]
I'm trying to. I'm trying to tell you what I'm feeling, I don't have words for it.
[And that's frustrating to him, of course. Ignis, with a word for every situation and then some, unable to fit his emotions into concepts that he can express.]
I feel that I don't want you to be upset. I feel that I don't feel like being angry at Prompto. I feel something besides those things, that I can't put into words. I'm not deflecting, I'm — badly, telling you, trying to say what I feel.
no subject
[ Well, this is unprecedented. Ignis has complicated feelings he can't put into words, he's frustrated at himself, and then... he's not mad at Prompto. There's something going on there, and so Noctis waits. ]
Okay.
[ He says softly, curiously, because Ignis is trying and for the first time he's clearly in uncharted territory, like Noctis. He knows the feeling very, very well. ]
Uh... take all the time you need. I'm listening.
no subject
[He huffs a little under his breath, still venting frustration.]
Reason says I ought to feel betrayed and hurt. I don't. Reason says I ought to be angry with Prompto, upset with you. I'm not. I don't know what's left, I can't seem to match it to a sentiment.
[And finally he just shrugs a little.]
I don't know how I feel. I can't hasten to say I'm fine with it, but I also can't say I'm upset about it. I'm processing it and I don't know how it will turn out on the other side, yet.
no subject
That it isn't happening is baffling, too, but Noctis isn't in a hurry to force a conclusion out of Ignis -- he knows how these things get; Noctis can't even sort out his own emotions effectively sometimes, and for someone like Ignis, who always has his shit together, this must be particularly distressing. ]
Oh.
[ Then, something occurs to him, the slow clicking of a puzzle sliding into place. It's hard not to, considering the conversations they've had about Prompto during their makeouts. ] Do you, uh... like Prompto?
no subject
Still, he's not sure if that's a question for the sake of confirming a fact or one that comes with an accusation in its underpinnings, and so he's careful when he answers.]
I'm not in love with him.
[Best to reaffirm that, first and foremost.]
Are you suggesting I'm not cross with him because I have secretly harbored affections for him, or...?
no subject
[ Because the alternative is this: Ignis doesn't care enough to be upset, which is really absurd when he thinks about it -- it doesn't line up with everything that he feels. And it definitely makes less sense than Ignis somehow having feelings for Prompto, too.
Ignis definitely cares, but Noctis is just as baffled about this, having not previously encountered such an emotional quagmire. ]
I don't know what's going on here, Ignis.
[ He says softly; there's no accusation to be found in his tone, only a gentle stating of fact. ]
Do you... want me to give you some space? To think about it?
no subject
I don't want you to leave me alone right now.
[That's the first thing, the most important thing.]
But I do think...that I need time, to think about how I feel. I don't want to tell you something and call it true before I've even worked out if it is true or not. Is...that all right?
no subject
Okay, I can do that.
[ This whole relationship thing is hard, but at least they're talking it out as honestly as they can, right? Ignis is trying to figure out his complicated feelings and the least Noctis can do is let him. ]
All the time you need. And... catching up, for us.
[ He did just narrowly escape being an icicle, after all. ]