[For a second, his extensive vocabulary fails him; his calm confidence fumbles, and he has to search for the words he wants, unsure of how to properly articulate the thoughts stirred up inside him as he tries to find a way of expressing a feeling he knows, but somehow finds so difficult to name.
He'll get it wrong, he thinks uncertainly. He'll get it wrong, it won't come out right, but they're both baring their bodies and souls at this point, so how can he do anything less but try?]
Like I'm a person.
[It's a start, but it's not right; he closes his eyes, reaching to hold on to Noctis, like he's suddenly concerned that if he doesn't, his fumbling words will make his prince disappear.]
Like I'm more than someone else's this or that. Like who I am isn't defined by a relationship to someone else. Servant of the crown, hand of the king, advisor to the prince — my worth has always been in how valuable a tool I am to someone else.
[He draws in a shivering breath.]
Except when you look at me. In your eyes, I'm only...myself. Because that's all you ask me to be.
[ It breaks his heart that this is surprising to Ignis, or something of any note. Noctis has never needed him to be any more than who he is, which is already pretty damn great, and yet, all his life he has been groomed to be by his side as his right hand.
And now, here they are. They're careful, searching out the best way to approach each other, learning from so many, many past mistakes, from the little snippets of each other they've discovered along the way. Noctis has learned much about Ignis and has loved him all the more for it. He's cupping his face and leaning to kiss him, admiring the vulnerability in his eyes, and how, right now, he seems even more human, open and young and soft.
He's shaking his head at him before pursuing him for another kiss. ] You're not a tool -- you're Ignis. A person. [ My person. ] Enough, and too damn amazing.
[They kiss, and they kiss again, and at length Ignis reaches up to carefully slip his fingertips between them, covering over Noct's mouth so that he has a chance to get his thoughts out without fear of losing them to another flurry of much-welcomed kisses.]
But it would be so easy, wouldn't it? For this to be the same. It would be so easy for "your boyfriend" to become just one more mantle I wear — just one more thing I am as an extension of you.
[He draws in a soft breath.]
But you never let me. You make me, always, meet you as an equal. Do you have any idea how...meaningful that is...
[ It doesn't occur to him that this would be a momentous thing for Ignis -- it hadn't occurred to him that perhaps Ignis needs this, too, and Noctis feels his own heart stir. He's momentarily thwarted from kissing that pretty, pretty mouth, and Noctis listens, hands coming to rest on Ignis' chest, to feel the familiar rhythm of his heart.
It would be easy, he supposes, but that's not what Noctis wants. He's lived most of his life being put on a damn pedestal, and what he loves about his friends is that to a great extent they don't do that, and to slowly but definitely wean Ignis off of it is the order of the day, too.
He presses his nose to his now, a small smile tugging at his mouth. ]
Sometimes even I don't know, if you can believe that. Sometimes it's easier to be the vessel of someone else's will, and I gravitate to it.
[But he takes that opportunity to shift them properly, rolling onto his back and pulling Noct with him, as the movement opens up access to the whole of his body and he figuratively lays himself bare beneath his boyfriend's attentions.]
But right now I do know what I want.
[And he takes it, too, leaning up and setting his lips against Noct's shoulder and sucking a firm bite there that will surely have bruised by the morning.]
[ Next step. Ignis wants to take the next step with him, and Noctis' brain shorts out for a moment at how sexy that sounds. And with himself right on top of Ignis now, he can't help try to figure out all the possible ways he can mean this but coming up short save for the most glaringly obvious one.
He's shifting to let Ignis press his lips to his shoulder, sucking a lovebite that makes him hiss. It aches and pleases him at the same time, and he's sitting back on his heels, tugging Ignis up so that Noctis is just about straddling his lap. ]
Next step, [ He says breathlessly, looking down at him in wonder. ] like... more than kissing?
[It's a soft little noise, that oh, as they wind up repositioned and Ignis quickly discovers just how comfortable it is to have Noctis all but sitting in his lap; it's nice, too, for how easy it makes it to touch him, and his hands move naturally to Noct's hips as he shifts to help try and steady him as they adjust to each other.]
Yes. More than kissing.
[He runs his fingers lightly up Noct's sides, sweetly possessive in his gentleness, before returning them to his hips again.]
Let's go slowly. Not because I think you need it that way — just the opposite, really. Because...I want to share this with you, and take my time with it. I want to enjoy you, slowly.
[ Noctis is happily making himself comfortable, before his hands come to up his face, one sliding behind his neck. Ignis isn't the only one feeling possessive, feeling like the most beautiful man in this town belongs to him. ]
Slowly, okay. How slowly?
[ It occurs to Noctis that the blessed mundanity of such a thing is a welcome reprieve from all the crap that they've been dealing with, that this is what matters, them exploring, enjoying each other. He's both excited and nervous, and it shows in the thrum of his pulse, the light in his eyes. He's paying careful attention to what Ignis wants, and the last thing he wants to do is mess things up. ]
It felt good, what you were doing before. Do that again, where you...
[With his hands still on Noct's hips, he tugs on him a little, shifting until there's a sort of awkward friction stirring up between them and the beginnings of a rhythm starting to form up together.]
Let's...not worry much about the particulars. Let's simply do what...feels good, for right now.
[ It occurs to Noctis that Ignis is possibly feeling as shy and as awkward as he is, and that is -- well, that is the most wonderful thing he's ever come across. He moves as bid, shifting languidly before he's pressing their hips together, grinding up against him with a soft, soft appreciative little moan.
He's trying to make sure that they won't be heard, and feeling braver, Noctis slips his hand between both their bodies, rubbing delicately between his legs to test things out. He wants to make him feel good, he wants Ignis to enjoy himself with him, and if this is how it happens, then he's happy. ]
[His breath hitches, just a little, and he moves to press their mouths together, wanting to swallow every one of Noct's little moans and keep them all for himself. There's a natural endpoint to this, he knows, and they're picking up speed toward it; if he wanted to stop, the time to do it would be soon and the window to accomplish it narrowing with every passing second.
But he doesn't want to stop. He doesn't. Noctis is home again, and Ignis is selfish, and right now all he wants is to love him as hard as he can in every way that he can.]
[ Noctis is more breathless than Ignis is, impossibly charmed by him and so swept away in love that he cannot help but kiss him back, hungry and passionate and wanting more.
Ignis makes him feel good, and so he shifts, boldly sliding his hand down past the waistband of his pants, taking care not to scare him away. Ignis is as new to this as Noctis is, and he steals another kiss, and another. His fingers curl over between his legs, tentatively rubbing him through the fabric. He takes it slow despite how hungry he is, eyes lidded. ]
[Noctis needs this, he reminds himself silently, as the sudden urge to respond in kind threatens to overtake him, and he has to actively work to quell it. Even in a moment like this, he wants to serve, wants to slip back into his old familiar habits of needing to please.
But he also knows that what Noctis needs right now is to do this for him. He needs to be in control, needs to see the fruits of his efforts reflected in the passion written into Ignis's expression. Noctis needs to see that he does make Ignis happy, that there is so much more that yields from his choices and actions than heartache and death.
So he doesn't reach for Noctis. He doesn't move to reciprocate, or try to match him. Paradoxically, he simply lets his head fall back and enjoys this, and lets Noctis see each and every second of it.]
[ Ignis Scientia, his love -- the man who knows him even better than he knows himself, who already understands what he needs and is giving it to him.
His heart soars when Ignis looks like he's enjoying it,when he lets his head fall back and he takes what Noctis offers. He doesn't feel like so much of a failure now, that at least something good, something pure is coming out of this choice.
He nips at his neck now, and then takes the risk, boldly sliding his hand inside his trousers, startled by how... different Ignis feels when he wraps his hand around his length, new and inexperienced and eager to please. ]
Oh.
[ Also, he's never touched him here before -- this is new. ]
[He means the nipping, probably, but there's so much to process at this point, and it's hard to hold himself back, forcing himself to simply let himself feel. But he lets his head fall to one side, baring more of his neck to Noctis's attentions, showing him the pale expanse of skin in open invitation.]
[ Noctis echoes softly, taking his hand out of his pants to do it again, to kiss and suck and nip, drawing a vivid, almost painful lovebite under his collar; Noctis' most possessive one yet.
He's kissing his throat again, lavishing attention over it before nosing against him and inflicting another, and another, a trio of lovebites right under where his collar will chafe. ]
[He groans softly at the loss of contact when Noctis moves his hand away, but it's disappointment that quickly shifts into approval with the feeling of teeth sinking into his skin. It's apparent from the moment he feels the sting of the bite that he'll be wearing these for quite some time; the bruising feels almost instantaneous, even if he knows that isn't necessarily the reality, and his head is already spinning with notions of what he'll see when he looks at himself in the mirror tomorrow.]
There, now.
[He sucks in a shuddery breath, opening his eyes to gaze at Noct glassy-eyed.]
[ Those gorgeous green eyes; his Ignis is stunning, so young and so open when he's like this, surrendering to him. He likes that Ignis accepts what he gives, and he spares a few seconds to admire just how lovely his marks are, how Ignis will wear them for just about forever. ]
You're happy to be mine, right...? You want to be?
[ Silly question, he knows, but Noctis wants to know. ] Because every time I see you, I want you so badly, all over again.
[He reaches up, hooking a hand behind Noct's neck to pull him down for a kiss. He's not sure if that's the conception of the answer that Noctis really wants to hear, but it's the one he can't help but start with, no matter the circumstance, because it's true. He has been shaped and defined by this love he holds, has built everything he is upon that unshakeable foundation. He belongs to Noctis, and he wouldn't know who he is without him — it's as simple as that.]
I do. I want to be yours — I've always wanted to be yours — more than anything.
[ He gives him a wicked little smile, cupping his face so that he can kiss him again, again and again, hand sliding down over his chest to feel the beat of his heart. He loves the assurance in Ignis' voice, loves that he isn't just pushing his own feelings onto Ignis, that he isn't saying this just for the sake of serving him.
Then -- ] Mm, c'mon, touch me. [ He doesn't want this encounter to simply be proving a point; he wants it to be about a mutual exchange, meeting each other halfway. ]
Easier said than done, when you're on top of me...
[He's teasing, though, and he starts to walk his fingertips up Noct's sides as he's bidden to move them, hesitating at the narrow part of his waist as something occurs to him.]
...May I touch your back?
[He asks softly, the inquiry careful. It's not something he's willing to do without permission, but he also doesn't think it's a request outside his right to ask, given the givens.]
[ Yes, well, Noctis feels his cheeks go pink, but then Ignis asks that of him so sweetly that he realizes how he's never allowed anyone near it, not even Ignis, for the longest time. It's not that he's ashamed of it -- okay, not mostly -- but the scars still bother him, remind him of when he had been too weak and powerless to do anything and had lost people he loved anyway.
But this time, it's different. This time, he will be strong enough to protect those he loves, and he catches his wrist, guiding him up under his shirt, right to the scars. It makes him shiver, just a little. ]
Yeah. Yeah, it's great. [ And then it occurs to him -- will Ignis think it's gross? Will he think it's unsightly? ]
[He realizes, of course, what a privilege he's being granted as he runs his fingers up the small of Noct's back until they're tracing lightly over the scars they both know are there, the ones he's never been permitted to touch. They're old wounds now, albeit ones he knows still plague Noctis sometimes, and he's almost reverent in the way he explores the ridges and valleys of them by touch, learning the patterns he's only ever seen from a distance before, covering over old memories of slashing claws and terror with gentleness and affection.]
My Noct.
[They took him away to Tenebrae and said he'd be better again when he came back, that he'd be the way he used to be, and they were wrong.]
I loved you even back then, I think. Before I even really knew what love was.
[ Noctis says softly, looking into Ignis' eyes. It feels... good, having Ignis touch him like this. It feels right and proper, even if he's nervous about it. But this is good. Being loved by Ignis like this is good. ]
And how you almost threw a week-long tantrum when you -- when I was different.
[ He admits softly. He'd never told him that he'd heard of it, that little Ignis had been steely-eyed and mad at them for being wrong, and he can't help but press his forehead against his chest, laughing softly. ]
I remember, Iggy. I remember when it was all they could do to appease you. I just --
[He remembers, of course. He must've been just ten or so, barely on the cusp between adulthood and young adolescence, old enough to understand while still young enough to be incapable of accepting it. He remembers trying everything to reach Noctis, remembers being waylaid at every turn because he'd thought his attempts were subtler than they really were. He remembers.
He remembers.]
You were mine, even then. And it felt like they were taking you away from me.
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[For a second, his extensive vocabulary fails him; his calm confidence fumbles, and he has to search for the words he wants, unsure of how to properly articulate the thoughts stirred up inside him as he tries to find a way of expressing a feeling he knows, but somehow finds so difficult to name.
He'll get it wrong, he thinks uncertainly. He'll get it wrong, it won't come out right, but they're both baring their bodies and souls at this point, so how can he do anything less but try?]
Like I'm a person.
[It's a start, but it's not right; he closes his eyes, reaching to hold on to Noctis, like he's suddenly concerned that if he doesn't, his fumbling words will make his prince disappear.]
Like I'm more than someone else's this or that. Like who I am isn't defined by a relationship to someone else. Servant of the crown, hand of the king, advisor to the prince — my worth has always been in how valuable a tool I am to someone else.
[He draws in a shivering breath.]
Except when you look at me. In your eyes, I'm only...myself. Because that's all you ask me to be.
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[ It breaks his heart that this is surprising to Ignis, or something of any note. Noctis has never needed him to be any more than who he is, which is already pretty damn great, and yet, all his life he has been groomed to be by his side as his right hand.
And now, here they are. They're careful, searching out the best way to approach each other, learning from so many, many past mistakes, from the little snippets of each other they've discovered along the way. Noctis has learned much about Ignis and has loved him all the more for it. He's cupping his face and leaning to kiss him, admiring the vulnerability in his eyes, and how, right now, he seems even more human, open and young and soft.
He's shaking his head at him before pursuing him for another kiss. ] You're not a tool -- you're Ignis. A person. [ My person. ] Enough, and too damn amazing.
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[They kiss, and they kiss again, and at length Ignis reaches up to carefully slip his fingertips between them, covering over Noct's mouth so that he has a chance to get his thoughts out without fear of losing them to another flurry of much-welcomed kisses.]
But it would be so easy, wouldn't it? For this to be the same. It would be so easy for "your boyfriend" to become just one more mantle I wear — just one more thing I am as an extension of you.
[He draws in a soft breath.]
But you never let me. You make me, always, meet you as an equal. Do you have any idea how...meaningful that is...
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It would be easy, he supposes, but that's not what Noctis wants. He's lived most of his life being put on a damn pedestal, and what he loves about his friends is that to a great extent they don't do that, and to slowly but definitely wean Ignis off of it is the order of the day, too.
He presses his nose to his now, a small smile tugging at his mouth. ]
I want you to show me. What's Ignis the man like?
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[But he takes that opportunity to shift them properly, rolling onto his back and pulling Noct with him, as the movement opens up access to the whole of his body and he figuratively lays himself bare beneath his boyfriend's attentions.]
But right now I do know what I want.
[And he takes it, too, leaning up and setting his lips against Noct's shoulder and sucking a firm bite there that will surely have bruised by the morning.]
I'm ready to take the next step with you, too.
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He's shifting to let Ignis press his lips to his shoulder, sucking a lovebite that makes him hiss. It aches and pleases him at the same time, and he's sitting back on his heels, tugging Ignis up so that Noctis is just about straddling his lap. ]
Next step, [ He says breathlessly, looking down at him in wonder. ] like... more than kissing?
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[It's a soft little noise, that oh, as they wind up repositioned and Ignis quickly discovers just how comfortable it is to have Noctis all but sitting in his lap; it's nice, too, for how easy it makes it to touch him, and his hands move naturally to Noct's hips as he shifts to help try and steady him as they adjust to each other.]
Yes. More than kissing.
[He runs his fingers lightly up Noct's sides, sweetly possessive in his gentleness, before returning them to his hips again.]
Let's go slowly. Not because I think you need it that way — just the opposite, really. Because...I want to share this with you, and take my time with it. I want to enjoy you, slowly.
no subject
Slowly, okay. How slowly?
[ It occurs to Noctis that the blessed mundanity of such a thing is a welcome reprieve from all the crap that they've been dealing with, that this is what matters, them exploring, enjoying each other. He's both excited and nervous, and it shows in the thrum of his pulse, the light in his eyes. He's paying careful attention to what Ignis wants, and the last thing he wants to do is mess things up. ]
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[With his hands still on Noct's hips, he tugs on him a little, shifting until there's a sort of awkward friction stirring up between them and the beginnings of a rhythm starting to form up together.]
Let's...not worry much about the particulars. Let's simply do what...feels good, for right now.
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He's trying to make sure that they won't be heard, and feeling braver, Noctis slips his hand between both their bodies, rubbing delicately between his legs to test things out. He wants to make him feel good, he wants Ignis to enjoy himself with him, and if this is how it happens, then he's happy. ]
Like this...?
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[His breath hitches, just a little, and he moves to press their mouths together, wanting to swallow every one of Noct's little moans and keep them all for himself. There's a natural endpoint to this, he knows, and they're picking up speed toward it; if he wanted to stop, the time to do it would be soon and the window to accomplish it narrowing with every passing second.
But he doesn't want to stop. He doesn't. Noctis is home again, and Ignis is selfish, and right now all he wants is to love him as hard as he can in every way that he can.]
I love you, you know.
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[ Noctis is more breathless than Ignis is, impossibly charmed by him and so swept away in love that he cannot help but kiss him back, hungry and passionate and wanting more.
Ignis makes him feel good, and so he shifts, boldly sliding his hand down past the waistband of his pants, taking care not to scare him away. Ignis is as new to this as Noctis is, and he steals another kiss, and another. His fingers curl over between his legs, tentatively rubbing him through the fabric. He takes it slow despite how hungry he is, eyes lidded. ]
Wanna... make you happy.
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[Noctis needs this, he reminds himself silently, as the sudden urge to respond in kind threatens to overtake him, and he has to actively work to quell it. Even in a moment like this, he wants to serve, wants to slip back into his old familiar habits of needing to please.
But he also knows that what Noctis needs right now is to do this for him. He needs to be in control, needs to see the fruits of his efforts reflected in the passion written into Ignis's expression. Noctis needs to see that he does make Ignis happy, that there is so much more that yields from his choices and actions than heartache and death.
So he doesn't reach for Noctis. He doesn't move to reciprocate, or try to match him. Paradoxically, he simply lets his head fall back and enjoys this, and lets Noctis see each and every second of it.]
no subject
His heart soars when Ignis looks like he's enjoying it,when he lets his head fall back and he takes what Noctis offers. He doesn't feel like so much of a failure now, that at least something good, something pure is coming out of this choice.
He nips at his neck now, and then takes the risk, boldly sliding his hand inside his trousers, startled by how... different Ignis feels when he wraps his hand around his length, new and inexperienced and eager to please. ]
Oh.
[ Also, he's never touched him here before -- this is new. ]
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[He means the nipping, probably, but there's so much to process at this point, and it's hard to hold himself back, forcing himself to simply let himself feel. But he lets his head fall to one side, baring more of his neck to Noctis's attentions, showing him the pale expanse of skin in open invitation.]
Just — below the collar, please —
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[ Noctis echoes softly, taking his hand out of his pants to do it again, to kiss and suck and nip, drawing a vivid, almost painful lovebite under his collar; Noctis' most possessive one yet.
He's kissing his throat again, lavishing attention over it before nosing against him and inflicting another, and another, a trio of lovebites right under where his collar will chafe. ]
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There, now.
[He sucks in a shuddery breath, opening his eyes to gaze at Noct glassy-eyed.]
Is there no mistaking I'm yours, now?
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[ Those gorgeous green eyes; his Ignis is stunning, so young and so open when he's like this, surrendering to him. He likes that Ignis accepts what he gives, and he spares a few seconds to admire just how lovely his marks are, how Ignis will wear them for just about forever. ]
You're happy to be mine, right...? You want to be?
[ Silly question, he knows, but Noctis wants to know. ] Because every time I see you, I want you so badly, all over again.
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[He reaches up, hooking a hand behind Noct's neck to pull him down for a kiss. He's not sure if that's the conception of the answer that Noctis really wants to hear, but it's the one he can't help but start with, no matter the circumstance, because it's true. He has been shaped and defined by this love he holds, has built everything he is upon that unshakeable foundation. He belongs to Noctis, and he wouldn't know who he is without him — it's as simple as that.]
I do. I want to be yours — I've always wanted to be yours — more than anything.
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[ He gives him a wicked little smile, cupping his face so that he can kiss him again, again and again, hand sliding down over his chest to feel the beat of his heart. He loves the assurance in Ignis' voice, loves that he isn't just pushing his own feelings onto Ignis, that he isn't saying this just for the sake of serving him.
Then -- ] Mm, c'mon, touch me. [ He doesn't want this encounter to simply be proving a point; he wants it to be about a mutual exchange, meeting each other halfway. ]
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[He's teasing, though, and he starts to walk his fingertips up Noct's sides as he's bidden to move them, hesitating at the narrow part of his waist as something occurs to him.]
...May I touch your back?
[He asks softly, the inquiry careful. It's not something he's willing to do without permission, but he also doesn't think it's a request outside his right to ask, given the givens.]
Would it be all right?
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But this time, it's different. This time, he will be strong enough to protect those he loves, and he catches his wrist, guiding him up under his shirt, right to the scars. It makes him shiver, just a little. ]
Yeah. Yeah, it's great. [ And then it occurs to him -- will Ignis think it's gross? Will he think it's unsightly? ]
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[He realizes, of course, what a privilege he's being granted as he runs his fingers up the small of Noct's back until they're tracing lightly over the scars they both know are there, the ones he's never been permitted to touch. They're old wounds now, albeit ones he knows still plague Noctis sometimes, and he's almost reverent in the way he explores the ridges and valleys of them by touch, learning the patterns he's only ever seen from a distance before, covering over old memories of slashing claws and terror with gentleness and affection.]
My Noct.
[They took him away to Tenebrae and said he'd be better again when he came back, that he'd be the way he used to be, and they were wrong.]
I loved you even back then, I think. Before I even really knew what love was.
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[ Noctis says softly, looking into Ignis' eyes. It feels... good, having Ignis touch him like this. It feels right and proper, even if he's nervous about it. But this is good. Being loved by Ignis like this is good. ]
And how you almost threw a week-long tantrum when you -- when I was different.
[ He admits softly. He'd never told him that he'd heard of it, that little Ignis had been steely-eyed and mad at them for being wrong, and he can't help but press his forehead against his chest, laughing softly. ]
I remember, Iggy. I remember when it was all they could do to appease you. I just --
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[He remembers, of course. He must've been just ten or so, barely on the cusp between adulthood and young adolescence, old enough to understand while still young enough to be incapable of accepting it. He remembers trying everything to reach Noctis, remembers being waylaid at every turn because he'd thought his attempts were subtler than they really were. He remembers.
He remembers.]
You were mine, even then. And it felt like they were taking you away from me.
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