[Breakfast is as it always is — steady, dependable, and right on time. It's a spot of deja vu, perhaps, to see the way that he bustles around the kitchen not unlike the way that Blue and Yellow were at the beginning of his heartscape; it seems the two of them are back to working together diligently, this morning.]
Were I a crueler man, I'd ask if you'd hurt yourself, undertaking a task of such magnitude.
[ Noctis half-laughs, half-groans, punching him in the arm lightly. Breakfast is breakfast, and he can't help but wonder if Blue and Yellow are right there inside him (they are).
He pauses for a moment, trying to figure out how best to put this in terms that wouldn't give rise to misunderstandings. ]
You, actually. Do you... remember what happened in your heart?
[His knifework slows for a moment, as he seems to give that question genuine thought and attention, which in turn diverts it away from his preparations for the duration. He glances up at Noct, expression quiet and steady but a touch uncertain.]
I recall you were in there. And you...had to do something to escape it. Something to do with me. But my recollection is all scattered — fragmented, in a way I can't quite explain.
[You compartmentalize a lot is probably the understatement of the century, but that would certainly explain why his recollection of whatever had happened feels..."fragmented". Distributed over several compartments, perhaps, instead of just being one solid whole.]
Some sort of...sides of my personality, then? Given physical form?
[ It's strange how he's known him all his life, and yet he's still learning more about Ignis. But that's a good thing; it means he sees more and more of him beyond the advisor. ]
Yeah, you were in different colors. Little you was pink. And then there was blue you and yellow you.
[ He's leaning against the counter beside him, observing Ignis at work before he offers a quiet confession. ]
Your heartscape showed me Altissia in ruins. Red you was... very forceful. But the thing is -- the important thing is, Ignis, it's messed up.
...Is that where you met all of them together, then. That's what it took to bring them together, is Altissia?
[He glances away, looking down at his hands. He sets aside the knife just long enough to flex his fingers, seeming to watch the way they move for a second before taking up his tools again.]
I'm not surprised. If it's true about what you saw being a reflection of my tendency to...compartmentalize...
[He hums softly.]
There were no pretenses, in Altissia. I didn't have time to think about that. I had no time to think of anything but getting to you.
[ Noctis concedes, but there's more to it than that. He's quiet for a moment before he continues: ] Altissia. You said everything you are is mine.
[ A sentiment that is moving and sweet from a lover, but it's hard to ignore the bite of bittersweetness behind it. What will happen to Ignis when he's gone? They don't talk about it -- there isn't an easy answer, and it's simpler to just leave that elephant in the room. But seeing him in that heartscape, he understands what the loss of him would do to Ignis.
After all, he's not going to be the one who's going to live with it. He reaches out, resting his hand on his gently, his expression uncharacteristically serious. ]
Thank you. For everything that you've done, and everything you're going to do. [ It's not nearly enough, but he's trying. ] I'm sorry you had to grow up so quickly.
[Now, at last, the knife is laid aside for real. He finds a towel, drying his hands for no apparent reason than to have something to do with them, before turning to face Noct directly, his expression soft and a little uncertain.]
Noct...
[They've had variants of this conversation before, and every time it goes a little differently. The easiest answer is that of the advisor, demurring and deflecting the concern. More nuanced is that of the friend, offering support in return along with his acceptance.
But Noctis had lifted Pink Ignis into his arms in Ignis's heartscape, and carried him protectively, and perhaps some of that influence still lingers, because this time the reaction is a little different still, and with more of the child Ignis once was visible in it.]
You don't have to thank me. Spending the childhood I had with you was...I can't imagine having or wanting a different one.
[ He has to thank him, in case he never gets the chance, or something. This is a new expression, Noctis thinks as he looks over at him. Ever since they'd started this relationship, they've both been making an effort to open up, to step out of their roles to each other and truly connect.
This is Ignis, shifting gears to connect with him, too. He's reaching out to cup his cheek, pressing a soft, brief kiss to his lips in chaste, gentle affection. ]
What, not even the vandalised paintings could scare you away?
[It's a kiss that, on impulse, he deepens just a little of his own volition, accepting the affection Noct offers and chasing it in return with careful but deliberate hunger. He leans into it just enough to make plain his appreciation, lingering over Noct's lower lip in particular until at last he lets himself draw away.]
Those paintings made me want to tear my hair out.
[But he chuckles under his breath, with a softness in his eyes.]
But I always liked being your knight. Even when I was the one taking the fall for your antics. Sometimes especially then, because defending you was also our secret.
[ Oh -- kissing. More of the kissing now, is that Purple he sees? Noctis is laughing a little when he pulls away, suddenly reminded of what Pink had told him about how gross it was, that child-like delight that makes him grin from ear to ear at the memory.
Still, he's happy and he doesn't let Ignis go too far. Noctis leans back in to press a soft, soft kiss to his lips before deepening it meaningfully again. It warms his heart, hearing how Ignis was then -- Noctis is moved by every quiet gesture of love, and he pauses, nuzzling against his cheek after a few moments. ]
I remembered when you punched a few guys' lights out at the arcade, too. That was defending me as well, wasn't it? The hell you caught...
That made an impression on you and Prompto both, it seems. You've both mentioned it to me recently.
[Carefully, he wraps his arms around Noctis, slung low and lazy down near his hips and the small of his back — which he knows is treading on dangerous familiarity, when it comes to Noctis, but he also thinks he's perhaps the only person out there capable of getting away with it.]
[ Noctis raises his brows, safe and secure in Ignis' arms -- he senses it, the way his touch slides down to the small of his back. He trusts him, the way he trusts no one else. He would've recoiled, were it not for Ignis, and he leans up to press kisses to the line of his jaw.
It's intimate, affectionate, and he grasps his wrist to put his hand firmly over where his scars are. Only Ignis, no one else. ]
It made me feel like nothing's beyond you if I'm at stake.
...I think that's the first time I've heard you say that.
[There's something in him that tenses, just slightly, when Noct moves his hand to the scars — apprehension toward himself, from fear of being too rough or hurting him when he knows how touchy Noct is about his back — but he quickly relaxes again, melting just a little under the kisses Noct offers and settling into holding him comfortably.]
I...know you've heard me say it, and often. But this is the first I've heard you agree to it.
[Because he hasn't forgotten the other times it's come up. Tell me to save you, and you know that I will — and Noct hadn't answered him, hadn't said a word.]
[ They don't talk about it because Noctis doesn't want to -- because he has way too many issues and hangups about this, and even through his own confusion and dismay and fear and pain he doesn't want Ignis and Prompto both to destroy themselves for his sake. Ignis is bound to carry his deepest confession and fears and charge at the fates themselves if it would save Noctis' life.
But what then, if he is saved? Won't he end up condemning the rest of the world along with his choice? His love would destroy the world. He feels Ignis tense then relax, and he's taking a deep breath, as if to brace himself for what he means to say next. ]
I don't agree with anything that leads you to hurt yourself.
[ In the end, they work at cross-purposes. Noctis would have Ignis at least care for himself, and Ignis would give up everything for Noctis' sake. ]
[And just like that, unknowingly, Ignis Scientia moved one step further away from slamming the Ring of the Lucii on in the midst of a crisis.
He ducks his head, leaning into Noct again, and this time he's just a little bit careless with his kisses — not particularly concerned with where precisely they end up, letting his lips simply make contact with Noct's face wherever they happen to land.]
It would hurt me to allow you to come to harm, you realize.
[He's not arguing; it's too offhand for that. Just an absentminded remark, while he's preoccupied with lavishing kisses on him.]
[ ...well, that's definitely a dilemma he's considered. Ignis hurting himself for Noctis is unacceptable, but Noctis getting hurt would definitely hurt Ignis, and he still hasn't figured a way out of it yet, a way where everyone wins and no one has to be wounded.
He swallows hard, breath catching in the light of Ignis' simmering passion, his hands coming to slide up Ignis' broad back, splaying possessively over it. He's returning his kisses with a soft, low moan, parting his mouth just for him. ]
Tell me... what do I do in order not to hurt you? Or Prompto...? Or anyone.
[It's such a soft thing, the way he says it, and they've touched on this subject before, briefly, but it's different this time, different because Ignis isn't begging and his voice isn't heavy with distress. He's not wrung out with the agony of believing he's going to lose the one person he loves most in this world; he's not desperately grasping at any means he can think of to prevent it.
None of that has gone away, of course. But he's more subdued now, more focused on simply holding Noctis in his arms, treating him to the gentleness of being encompassed with love, and treating himself to the pleasure of offering it neither selfishly nor selflessly, but with just the right amount of balance between the two.]
Meet me in the middle. Don't resign yourself to leaving me. And in return I won't kill myself from trying to keep you.
[ This is new. He blinks up at him in surprise and the oddest sense of hope, that maybe this wouldn't end up in heartbreak after all. Ignis won't kill himself trying to keep him, and for this Noctis is grateful, relieved, even, because he loves Ignis too much to condemn him, too, to a life of everlasting darkness.
He grips him tighter, feeling something shift inside him, softening and opening up a little more. Stay with me. Noctis is holding him, too, treasuring this man, cherishing everything Ignis has given up for his sake, grateful for the warmth and presence of him. What the hell would he ever do without Ignis? He echoes the love, too, settling within the balance because he's tired of being selfish and selfless both. It's exhausting, and in Ignis he finds a measure of peace. ]
I'll try. I'm -- Ignis, I wish... there was another way.
[It's a struggle, to keep his voice even, when he wants so badly to insist on it. He wants to fight for Noctis, wants to throw himself bodily into trying to keep him, into defending him from everything — but they've been down that road before, and he knows already where it ends.
This time is quieter. This time, perhaps they'll get it right — or at least, righter than they've gotten it before.]
[ And if there isn't? Noctis is dying to ask, but he dreads the answer when he can't even bring himself to register his own. The disappointment would be too much -- and he presses his face to his neck, desperate to hide himself in him.
He's not a saviour, or a prince, or a king right now. Right now he just wants to be someone normal with the extraordinary man that he loves. ]
This love of ours was born itself from the both of us choosing to take a chance on happiness.
[His voice is soft as he gathers Noct up, letting him hide, holding him close and presenting as much of a steady support as he can.]
It meant overstepping my boundaries as your advisor. Meant risking our existing bond on the chance of a different one. We could've chosen to simply accept things the way that they were, and always wondered what might have been.
[He turns his head, chuffing a kiss against Noct's hair.]
We took the chance on each other once. Couldn't it be worth it, to take a chance again?
[ Noctis doesn't hide for much longer, looking up at his words when he presses kisses in his hair. His hands come up now, because Ignis' words make sense -- damn it, he does make sense, and that's what he loves and hates most about him. They took a chance together on this, and look where they are now. Noctis is happier than he's ever been in a long time, so maybe, just maybe, they could try it.
He cups his face in sword-calloused hands, thumbs smoothing over those lovely cheekbones as he looks upon him, casting his own anxiety to the side, just for a little while. His eyes, gods, his eyes are so beautiful. ]
So we have to try. And -- and if it doesn't work... at least you know that I really, really love you.
No matter what we do, Noct, I know that you really, really love me.
[He pauses, averting his eyes just for a second, and then lets them drift back as, not for the first time and not for the last, he allows just a hint of blasphemy to touch his lips.]
And whatever else you might do, for love of the world and everyone in it...I'll always know that you loved me just a little bit more than everyone else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Were I a crueler man, I'd ask if you'd hurt yourself, undertaking a task of such magnitude.
[He smiles faintly.]
What's on your mind, Noct?
no subject
[ Noctis half-laughs, half-groans, punching him in the arm lightly. Breakfast is breakfast, and he can't help but wonder if Blue and Yellow are right there inside him (they are).
He pauses for a moment, trying to figure out how best to put this in terms that wouldn't give rise to misunderstandings. ]
You, actually. Do you... remember what happened in your heart?
no subject
[His knifework slows for a moment, as he seems to give that question genuine thought and attention, which in turn diverts it away from his preparations for the duration. He glances up at Noct, expression quiet and steady but a touch uncertain.]
I recall you were in there. And you...had to do something to escape it. Something to do with me. But my recollection is all scattered — fragmented, in a way I can't quite explain.
no subject
[ Does that make sense? He's not telling it right. He takes a breath, frowning. ] I mean... you compartmentalise a lot, right? I met all of them.
no subject
[You compartmentalize a lot is probably the understatement of the century, but that would certainly explain why his recollection of whatever had happened feels..."fragmented". Distributed over several compartments, perhaps, instead of just being one solid whole.]
Some sort of...sides of my personality, then? Given physical form?
no subject
Yeah, you were in different colors. Little you was pink. And then there was blue you and yellow you.
[ He's leaning against the counter beside him, observing Ignis at work before he offers a quiet confession. ]
Your heartscape showed me Altissia in ruins. Red you was... very forceful. But the thing is -- the important thing is, Ignis, it's messed up.
no subject
[He glances away, looking down at his hands. He sets aside the knife just long enough to flex his fingers, seeming to watch the way they move for a second before taking up his tools again.]
I'm not surprised. If it's true about what you saw being a reflection of my tendency to...compartmentalize...
[He hums softly.]
There were no pretenses, in Altissia. I didn't have time to think about that. I had no time to think of anything but getting to you.
no subject
[ Noctis concedes, but there's more to it than that. He's quiet for a moment before he continues: ] Altissia. You said everything you are is mine.
[ A sentiment that is moving and sweet from a lover, but it's hard to ignore the bite of bittersweetness behind it. What will happen to Ignis when he's gone? They don't talk about it -- there isn't an easy answer, and it's simpler to just leave that elephant in the room. But seeing him in that heartscape, he understands what the loss of him would do to Ignis.
After all, he's not going to be the one who's going to live with it. He reaches out, resting his hand on his gently, his expression uncharacteristically serious. ]
Thank you. For everything that you've done, and everything you're going to do. [ It's not nearly enough, but he's trying. ] I'm sorry you had to grow up so quickly.
no subject
[Now, at last, the knife is laid aside for real. He finds a towel, drying his hands for no apparent reason than to have something to do with them, before turning to face Noct directly, his expression soft and a little uncertain.]
Noct...
[They've had variants of this conversation before, and every time it goes a little differently. The easiest answer is that of the advisor, demurring and deflecting the concern. More nuanced is that of the friend, offering support in return along with his acceptance.
But Noctis had lifted Pink Ignis into his arms in Ignis's heartscape, and carried him protectively, and perhaps some of that influence still lingers, because this time the reaction is a little different still, and with more of the child Ignis once was visible in it.]
You don't have to thank me. Spending the childhood I had with you was...I can't imagine having or wanting a different one.
no subject
This is Ignis, shifting gears to connect with him, too. He's reaching out to cup his cheek, pressing a soft, brief kiss to his lips in chaste, gentle affection. ]
What, not even the vandalised paintings could scare you away?
no subject
Those paintings made me want to tear my hair out.
[But he chuckles under his breath, with a softness in his eyes.]
But I always liked being your knight. Even when I was the one taking the fall for your antics. Sometimes especially then, because defending you was also our secret.
no subject
Still, he's happy and he doesn't let Ignis go too far. Noctis leans back in to press a soft, soft kiss to his lips before deepening it meaningfully again. It warms his heart, hearing how Ignis was then -- Noctis is moved by every quiet gesture of love, and he pauses, nuzzling against his cheek after a few moments. ]
I remembered when you punched a few guys' lights out at the arcade, too. That was defending me as well, wasn't it? The hell you caught...
no subject
[Carefully, he wraps his arms around Noctis, slung low and lazy down near his hips and the small of his back — which he knows is treading on dangerous familiarity, when it comes to Noctis, but he also thinks he's perhaps the only person out there capable of getting away with it.]
It made you feel safe, didn't it?
no subject
[ Noctis raises his brows, safe and secure in Ignis' arms -- he senses it, the way his touch slides down to the small of his back. He trusts him, the way he trusts no one else. He would've recoiled, were it not for Ignis, and he leans up to press kisses to the line of his jaw.
It's intimate, affectionate, and he grasps his wrist to put his hand firmly over where his scars are. Only Ignis, no one else. ]
It made me feel like nothing's beyond you if I'm at stake.
[ ...which is what he wants to talk about. ]
no subject
[There's something in him that tenses, just slightly, when Noct moves his hand to the scars — apprehension toward himself, from fear of being too rough or hurting him when he knows how touchy Noct is about his back — but he quickly relaxes again, melting just a little under the kisses Noct offers and settling into holding him comfortably.]
I...know you've heard me say it, and often. But this is the first I've heard you agree to it.
[Because he hasn't forgotten the other times it's come up. Tell me to save you, and you know that I will — and Noct hadn't answered him, hadn't said a word.]
no subject
But what then, if he is saved? Won't he end up condemning the rest of the world along with his choice? His love would destroy the world. He feels Ignis tense then relax, and he's taking a deep breath, as if to brace himself for what he means to say next. ]
I don't agree with anything that leads you to hurt yourself.
[ In the end, they work at cross-purposes. Noctis would have Ignis at least care for himself, and Ignis would give up everything for Noctis' sake. ]
no subject
He ducks his head, leaning into Noct again, and this time he's just a little bit careless with his kisses — not particularly concerned with where precisely they end up, letting his lips simply make contact with Noct's face wherever they happen to land.]
It would hurt me to allow you to come to harm, you realize.
[He's not arguing; it's too offhand for that. Just an absentminded remark, while he's preoccupied with lavishing kisses on him.]
no subject
He swallows hard, breath catching in the light of Ignis' simmering passion, his hands coming to slide up Ignis' broad back, splaying possessively over it. He's returning his kisses with a soft, low moan, parting his mouth just for him. ]
Tell me... what do I do in order not to hurt you? Or Prompto...? Or anyone.
no subject
[It's such a soft thing, the way he says it, and they've touched on this subject before, briefly, but it's different this time, different because Ignis isn't begging and his voice isn't heavy with distress. He's not wrung out with the agony of believing he's going to lose the one person he loves most in this world; he's not desperately grasping at any means he can think of to prevent it.
None of that has gone away, of course. But he's more subdued now, more focused on simply holding Noctis in his arms, treating him to the gentleness of being encompassed with love, and treating himself to the pleasure of offering it neither selfishly nor selflessly, but with just the right amount of balance between the two.]
Meet me in the middle. Don't resign yourself to leaving me. And in return I won't kill myself from trying to keep you.
no subject
[ This is new. He blinks up at him in surprise and the oddest sense of hope, that maybe this wouldn't end up in heartbreak after all. Ignis won't kill himself trying to keep him, and for this Noctis is grateful, relieved, even, because he loves Ignis too much to condemn him, too, to a life of everlasting darkness.
He grips him tighter, feeling something shift inside him, softening and opening up a little more. Stay with me. Noctis is holding him, too, treasuring this man, cherishing everything Ignis has given up for his sake, grateful for the warmth and presence of him. What the hell would he ever do without Ignis? He echoes the love, too, settling within the balance because he's tired of being selfish and selfless both. It's exhausting, and in Ignis he finds a measure of peace. ]
I'll try. I'm -- Ignis, I wish... there was another way.
no subject
[It's a struggle, to keep his voice even, when he wants so badly to insist on it. He wants to fight for Noctis, wants to throw himself bodily into trying to keep him, into defending him from everything — but they've been down that road before, and he knows already where it ends.
This time is quieter. This time, perhaps they'll get it right — or at least, righter than they've gotten it before.]
Are you willing to look for it, with me?
no subject
He's not a saviour, or a prince, or a king right now. Right now he just wants to be someone normal with the extraordinary man that he loves. ]
Do you think it's the right thing to do?
no subject
[His voice is soft as he gathers Noct up, letting him hide, holding him close and presenting as much of a steady support as he can.]
It meant overstepping my boundaries as your advisor. Meant risking our existing bond on the chance of a different one. We could've chosen to simply accept things the way that they were, and always wondered what might have been.
[He turns his head, chuffing a kiss against Noct's hair.]
We took the chance on each other once. Couldn't it be worth it, to take a chance again?
no subject
He cups his face in sword-calloused hands, thumbs smoothing over those lovely cheekbones as he looks upon him, casting his own anxiety to the side, just for a little while. His eyes, gods, his eyes are so beautiful. ]
So we have to try. And -- and if it doesn't work... at least you know that I really, really love you.
no subject
[He pauses, averting his eyes just for a second, and then lets them drift back as, not for the first time and not for the last, he allows just a hint of blasphemy to touch his lips.]
And whatever else you might do, for love of the world and everyone in it...I'll always know that you loved me just a little bit more than everyone else.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)